I Was Functioning… But I Wasn’t Okay | Depression and Anxiety Story

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Hello and welcome to Overcome a Mental Health Podcast.

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I am your host, Travis White.

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It's a place for you to share your mental health stories.

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I'm very excited to be introduced to tonight's guest.

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I would like to Noah May to the show.

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Welcome, Noah.

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Hi Travis, thank you so much for having me.

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Pleasure to have you on Noah is a host of lethal venom podcast and I am not gonna waste

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any more time here just turn the microphone over to him and let him share his story with

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us

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Yeah, so I guess I could kind of go from beginning kind of.

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My childhood growing up wasn't the typical normal childhood that most kids have, but it

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wasn't a bad childhood at all.

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My mom, well, my dad growing up wasn't around.

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He left before I was born, so I never got to meet my father,

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My mom did a really good job of trying to keep it like a normal household.

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It's like nothing was wrong.

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And she was actually sexually assaulted by him.

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And that's kind of how I was conceived was from sexual assault.

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And after that incident had happened, she had moved back in with her parents, which were

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my grandparents.

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And we kind of just lived in the same household.

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as I was little, we've not moved or anything, but that's kind of how it was.

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And then I kind of had a normal childhood growing up, did everything like a normal kid

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would do.

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I went to school, I went, I didn't go to public school, went there for the normal eight to

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three and would come home.

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And of course on weekends I would watch TV and

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I would do homework during the school week and everything, but it wasn't until about fifth

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or sixth grade when I started getting to like a very personal journey with my mental

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health.

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And my,

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mental health started when I was in when I was 13, I was in eighth grade, but fifth and

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sixth grade started getting bullied a lot for numerous reasons.

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It was just from, and it wasn't really from how I looked.

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It was kind of, I would say, because I was sitting with my legs crossed, because that's

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just how I sitting.

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And I'd see it on TV all the time, people doing it.

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And I would also,

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apparently walk very flamboyant down the hall, which I don't know why normal walking was

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considered flamboyant when they did the same thing.

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I don't know why they assume that, but that I was just always called.

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So most of my life I was always called, I was gay or something.

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Even before I even knew what it was, cause my mom and parents did a really good job kind

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of sheltering the outside stuff from me.

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And so when it finally came to my depression, I was 13 and I was starting eighth grade

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year, my grandmother got diagnosed with Alzheimer's and dementia.

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And it was kind of like someone had really just hit me with a hammer.

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She was just not the same person I knew.

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And I kind of distanced myself from her because

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I, she wasn't the same Nana that I had just yesterday.

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So when she got sick, I kind of disassociated with her because it was just kind of a loss

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someone due to the sickness.

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Um, and during that time, my depression is when I first started.

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Um, I had a really bad porn addiction during that time too.

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Um, I saw porn as like a way for me to, for an escape into an alternate reality that was.

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I didn't have to worry about anything that was going on at school, at home at that time.

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I started asking and like doing really rebellious things.

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would always hang around kids at school that were very much the rowdy bunch that would

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not, the normal kids that you would, most parents probably wouldn't let their kid hang out

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with.

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I kind of, some of their bad behavior rubbed off on me.

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I started cursing a lot during that time.

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And that's kind of when I got,

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introduced to curse words a little bit more um was then that time and yeah i remember 2016

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the following year my mom during that whole time knew something was wrong she could just

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sit sat this is not the same sign i had a year ago and he caught me watching porn because

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i was stupid and watched it the middle of the day because i didn't know the dudes notes of

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that and

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She me and she just let me talk for about two hours about what was going on with the home

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life because my grandparents kind of fought with my grandmother's sick.

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She kind of started fighting a lot of us and we kind of get into physical fights because

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of just her mental state wasn't there.

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And she always hit my grandfather a lot, but he'd hit back to protect himself.

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To me as a kid, I saw that and thought that you don't do that.

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You don't hit women.

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So it was just a lot for a 13-year-old to really process going on to 14.

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And so we went to the doctor.

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My mom said, OK, taking you to doctor now.

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We're going to get you situated.

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We went to my family physician.

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on everything that was going on and he said, yeah, there's no doubt you got you have

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depression.

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It's no, there's no doubt.

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Well, I think it's awesome that your mom noticed it and got you the help as soon as she

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could.

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Because I think that's a really good sign you have somebody in your corner from the very

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beginning.

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Well, benefit for that was she also dealt with depression as well.

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So mental health tends to run in our family a lot.

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you had, I think my grandparents had felt that my great grandparents, I think suffer some

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from mental health.

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So it's one of the traits that I sadly got passed on down with too.

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So that's kind of.

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Yeah, so basically everybody has an understanding of in a way what you were going through

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and what you were dealing with.

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so they were able to catch the I, yeah, my, my, when my mental health started, the people

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around me, like they, they knew what the signs were and they knew what I was going, like

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what was happening and they knew his mental health related, but nobody had really been

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through it.

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except for and if they had that was never talked about my mother-in-law has a good

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understanding of it because I know she's dealt with some stuff but I think it's really

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cool that you had your mom like in your corner and saying like no this is what we're going

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to do we're gonna take care of this because we don't want it to get any worse but thinking

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back to that like what what do your worst days look like

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Like when things...

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were for me it was I had such a huge struggle trying to wake up every day and really it

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was going to school that was kind of the hardest thing for me was waking up and going

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there because it was kind of like hell on earth it really was a shit show I didn't want to

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get up and go at all but I also wasn't smart enough at the time to where I could actually

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fake

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being sick.

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was never good at doing that because my mom could read it and be like, get up, you're

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going.

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It was always, it was, it was something that I couldn't fool her with.

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So I was like, okay, screw it, we're not gonna do it.

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Kind of face with it.

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I did have suicide thoughts during that time, but I didn't, when I say suicide thoughts, I

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don't want people to think that I

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attempted and actually went through with anything.

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I had the ideation to it.

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I never really attempted it.

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So the furthest I went was just a general idea.

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I didn't really do it because I was like, I don't really have anything to hang from.

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couldn't because my mom also was very vigilant of what I did.

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I'm an only child and anyone that's an only child knows that you're the one and only

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person they focus on so of course it was like bald eagle right here all the time and so it

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would have been really hard to hide cuts on your arm or legs or anything from her and I'm

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pretty sure she probably snooped through my room too when I was at school as well I just I

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don't know if she did but I just kind of feel like she did so trying to hide something

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that no that would never have worked so

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Um, but that's kind of how my worst days were.

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it kind of depended on the porn addiction.

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Well, I'll say it depended on that.

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It was an everyday thing.

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think it was if I couldn't get to like a, and when I did porn, I didn't do any like sexual

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things at all.

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Cause I was still kind of stupid in that, in that department.

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This is the brain of, I don't know what that is.

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I don't know how that works.

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Even though I'm seeing it, I don't know how that physically works, but I got so addicted

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to it, was like, okay, I'll watch this one video and then I'll do homework.

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And if my phone wouldn't work or the internet was out, I'd have a blog gasket, because I

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couldn't do it.

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That's how addicted I was to it.

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Yeah, and I feel like it's where, as most people go through mental health problems, I

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think they almost have to find that one vice that keeps them kind of grounded just to get

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through the days.

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mine was, mean, mine was like, this is, mine was like drinking excess amounts of like

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soda, like to the point where it was not good because

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and just screwing up my body totally.

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Um, cause I was having medical problems on top of my mental health as well.

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Or I bury myself in a book and just not like pay attention to anybody around me.

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Like it's just cause I didn't want to, I didn't want to be there.

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I didn't want to be seen.

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I didn't want to talk.

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Didn't want to go anywhere.

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Uh, but so what, what was it that made you just keep fighting?

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What makes it so you keep fighting through, through all the bad?

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A lot of it, it's hard for the depression because it's something that I live with to this

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day.

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I would say I know it's quite clinical depression, which for people that don't know,

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clinical depression is a form of depression that comes and goes in waves.

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And it's very unpredictable.

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I can go a period where I could be two years depression free and then for a week I'm

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depressed and it goes away for five years and then comes back for six months.

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it's really hard to determine when it is.

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I will say certain months of the year trigger the depression.

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So for me, January until March or April tends to be kind of like the red flag months for

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me, just due to the things that I haven't even really mentioned yet to the future things

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or past stuff when that usually time frame of everything happened.

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was usually first of the year.

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So, and it kind of adds up.

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So there are points where people do tend to have to watch me a little bit, but it, after

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that, it just comes and goes and waves.

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There was a period where I was depression free for a full year.

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That was think junior year high school.

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And senior year high school would have been the same thing if my

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lovely anxiety diagnosis didn't come up because that's a whole.

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Yeah, so you're dealing with the...

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Well first let me back up, because I want to say that my depression is the same way.

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It comes in waves.

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It's like I'll be good for a few months at a time and all of a sudden I just get hit

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really hard.

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And it's like I don't want to do anything.

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But you're dealing with this depression and anxiety stuff.

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So I'm right there with you, so I feel for you on that front.

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It's like when one leaves, it's like the other one comes, is like, hello, I'm here now.

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depression is gone.

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I'm going to kick you right in the face with anxiety.

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Yeah.

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And the anxiety came very later in life and it's such a weird thing of how it got

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diagnosed.

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remember I was in senior year of high school and I just sensed wrong was going to happen

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with senior year because I woke up the very first day of senior year six.

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My whole life from kindergarten up until that point since 2007, and this was 2019, I've

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never woken up on the first day of school sick.

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I think my brain just told me this year's going, something's going to happen this year.

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Cause it was just so odd.

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I've never had been sick prior to that, leading up to school or nothing.

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So it was just kind of a whirlwind of

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Well, I said I'm sick on the first day.

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Now, granted, did I get sick on like later in school year?

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Yeah, every kid does.

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But first day was very odd, but I was fine the next day.

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And then I think my suspicions were right because I remember it was, I think it always

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gets fuzzy and I always go back and I think it was February.

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I remember February of 2020, you know, the month before the whole world shut down.

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I started really, my body was changing for some reason.

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I had gone to bed, I used to go to bed at every night about 10, 10.30.

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That was kind of my bedtime.

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I always wake up at seven.

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And I just remember there was a point in the middle of the night where I woke up and I

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really nauseous to the point where I actually grew up.

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I thought, well, the flu, I'm staying home.

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It's like, I'm sick, that's it for me.

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And then when I woke up the next morning, the feeling was still there.

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And so we thought, ugh, I'm sick.

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So I stayed home and it was kind of weird because

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It was kind of a weird feeling.

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didn't feel achy.

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I didn't have a fever.

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didn't have none of the other symptoms that you have with the flu.

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It was just nausea to the point where I had to puke.

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This is a weird feeling.

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This kind of happened off and on for a month.

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I had gotten sick a month earlier in January when we first went back.

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I got sick because cold weather and temperatures don't mix well with me.

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And if it's raining, that's just a double plus for me.

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I get sick in the cold very easily.

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And I thought, well, maybe my immune system is just really bad.

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It was just kind of this awkward thing where I would have these nausea spells to the point

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where I would throw up in the middle of the night or it would happen early in the night,

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right before I go to school.

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And it made me late to school a few times, but it was just weird because after I would get

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that, I'd be fine.

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So in my brain, I'm thinking, what's going on?

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And my mom and I sat down and we're like, this is not wrong, but I don't have a fever.

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don't have any eggs or anything that usually associates with the flu or even a cold,

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because I wasn't even having assignments problems.

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It was just a stomach issue.

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And we thought, well, could it be your depression acting up?

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And I told her, said, well, the whole four years I've had it, I've never been this

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depressed to point where I throw up.

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He said, yeah, that's true.

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So this continued on all throughout February.

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I was in and out of school for like a month.

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I think in total between January and before school got out for the COVID pandemic, I was

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out in total a month.

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I missed a month of school at that point.

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We went to my doctor and we told him everything that was going on.

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I said, no, don't have AIDS.

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I don't have fever.

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don't have nothing.

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Nothing's wrong with me, time is wise.

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And I said, it's just stomach problem.

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Even he was kind of confused and you never want to go to a doctor and their first thing

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said, I don't know what's wrong with you.

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That's something you never want to hear.

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And he said, well, do you think it's something in your circle?

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Do you think something's happened or changed for you the way it's making you nervous to

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the point you throw up?

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Cause he said it could be nerves, but he didn't say anxiety because it was kind of a.

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nerves and anxiety to me are different.

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People might disagree with that, but I find nerves are just kind of like a split second

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thing and they go away.

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And it's like not severe.

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And I said, well, I don't know what I'd be nervous about.

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And he said, has school been difficult?

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Have you been having trouble with friends or slightly family?

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And I said, well, school has been hard, but I mean, that's normal.

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I said, I've dealt with hard school classes in the past.

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And he said, well, let's try this.

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Let's see if school's causing it.

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Stay out of school.

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He ordered me to stay out for a week to see if maybe it was school related.

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Lo and behold, it was.

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We went back the following week to do kind of a check-in and kind of an update about how

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the week was.

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He did more research and found that anxiety kind of causes the symptoms that you're

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having.

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He said, but I want to be clear.

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You probably think that anxiety comes from chest pain.

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You can't breathe and all that.

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He said, and I thought, well, yeah, that's why I didn't think I had it because I didn't

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have pain here and I couldn't breathe.

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I had none of those problems.

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And he said, well, in some cases, anxiety attacks can happen in your stomach.

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And so you get real nervous to point where you throw up.

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said, well, I just love being the oddball of having everything.

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Everyone has this normal thing wrong with them.

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I'm over here.

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It's like, here I am.

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Here's everyone else.

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I can't be normal for, I can't fit into a crowd.

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I have to be like this oddball that stunts doctors and everything.

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So, but he did, he said,

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I think you'd have anxiety just from the fact that you haven't really had the nauseous

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symptoms at all this week from you going, think it's that.

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Well, then we thought, well, how do you stop it?

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What do I need to do?

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And he said, well, do you want to do homeschooling?

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I think we had mentioned that.

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He said, honestly, if this is going to stop that, if homeschooling is going to stop this,

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then yes, do it.

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He said, I'll give you a referral.

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I'll write a doctor's note or something and send to the high school to tell them what's

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going on.

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So we were actually almost about to do that, but then the school shut down for COVID.

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So we, we didn't have, end up falling through with it, but it was the next step that we

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did.

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But a whole month of vomiting does something to your body.

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I had lost 20 pounds during that time.

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weighed 140 when it started.

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I weighed 120 by the time I got in diagnosis.

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All the muscles in my arms, especially had gotten really weak because of all the weight

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loss I had lost.

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I tend to have really bad weightness in my hands now.

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I'm real shaky with my left hand now for some reason.

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I've noticed that

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If it's any angle, I'm not steady with my left hand.

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My right hand tends to when I'm opening a bottle, kind of peels the skin back in my hand

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because that's how brittle and tender my skin was at the time.

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So I would actually have to use towels or I would use like a paper towel or something that

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had a rough edge around the whole center of it to be able to open up a

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Coke bottle or just any kind of bottle or any thing that had like rough edges around the

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lid.

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I had to open it up with like a suction thing or anything other than my hand.

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My doctor had diagnosed or had prescribed me Insure to help gain the weight gain.

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So I had to drink one of those a day.

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Those kind of helped a little bit.

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It kind of it brought the weight back up, but it was slow because of all the weight I had

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lost.

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He also had ordered me to go to a doctor in town about maybe thinking about doing like a

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test inside my stomach to see if it was actually anxiety or if it's something in something

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in there.

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And of course, he gave me some he gave me a lot of medicine for it as well.

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But the anxiety spoke with me.

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It stuck with me for two years after that.

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I had very serious consequences.

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I couldn't do anything without getting nervous.

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And it like going to the grocery store, going five minutes down the road to a person's

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house or a gas station.

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I would have this thing nausea to the point where I'd puke.

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That would literally in this was everywhere we went.

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Places I've been to since I was four years old, I get nervous to the point where I can't

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leave the house.

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I mean, that's the, lot of people understand how bad it was.

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It, got to the point where I couldn't leave the house because I was so embarrassed for how

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it was.

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And I thought it would get better and it never did until I got on some medicine, but it

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was always embarrassing trying to eat out with people.

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I mean, what do you tell people?

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I'm anxious I can't

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She's mad.

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really embarrassed from it for a long time.

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I'm sorry that you had to go through all that.

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That's a pretty harsh case of anxiety.

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And I've dealt with it in a different way, but never I've never got the stomach pains

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really like I'll get like chest pains a little bit and I just get to the point where I

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just overthink so much and it's like no I can't do this I can't do this I can't go that

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place this person's thinking bad about me like and it's like always like I'm a piece of

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shit like that type of stuff but I'm mad like I hear your story and I'm just like I'm so

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sorry that you had to go through all that what

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What types of tools and stuff do you use for anxiety and depression?

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both of them was really difficult to do at the same time because I also failed to mention

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during the COVID pandemic, I actually ended up getting COVID and I had long COVID for six

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months.

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I no sense of smell or taste.

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couldn't smell anything.

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I couldn't taste anything.

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I felt physically fine.

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just couldn't, these two senses were gone.

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And we thought it was just a normal cold

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We went to my doctor and he did like a COVID test, but he kind of went like inside my

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nose, like probably went all the up to here.

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He didn't go like all the way back in here, like how people say it feels like they scratch

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your brain.

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Now that's what I've been told.

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They didn't go that far back, but they kind of went a little, they still went up there.

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Well, the test came back negative with a, good, I don't have it.

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Well, two months later we got back in and this was December.

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and they actually did blood work on me and found that I did have COVID cells in my blood.

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So I actually ended up having COVID, but I was misdiagnosed at the time.

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So here I am going to stores, I was going to class, and people don't know that, never knew

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that during that time.

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It was years, years later till I told people about that, but at the time I was like, I've

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just been a walking death, death bottle.

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just like a walking hazard this whole time I've been a hazard to everyone.

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But my depression during that time

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That rocketed.

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It was so bad.

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My suicide thoughts really came back hardcore.

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And of course, the weight loss kind of started up again, due to me not eating because I

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couldn't taste anything.

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So there was no pleasure in eating anymore.

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Everything, was like everything had worked up, getting better.

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You got knocked off.

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But one of the big ways that helped me was music during that time.

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That was such a godsend for me.

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was just a really beneficial thing to have.

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And it was even before the anxiety started, like, throughout high school, I really started

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getting into music and it, I learned some, I've learned so many songs now to where it's

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hard for me to pinpoint and remember like exactly when I first heard the song, because

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some, I've known so many, but I middle school started out then, but

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High school helped me and especially college has helped me tremendously.

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The anxiety with it just really, really helped me get through that difficult time.

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I think if music wasn't around or wasn't invented, I don't know where it would be now.

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the exact same way.

27:07

So what type of music do you listen to?

27:09

Like what's your go-to?

27:12

Um, pop is my number one.

27:14

I'm based on that pop R and B.

27:16

like those two a lot.

27:19

Country I listen to since I'm from the South, beyond culture for me not to, but if it's

27:19

with the package that I have, then people get surprised by listening to rap.

27:31

People get really surprised on that one.

27:33

like, what?

27:34

I love to be with the crowd.

27:36

I want to be in the circle.

27:38

yeah.

27:38

Hey, I always say when it comes to music, who cares?

27:43

You like what you like and music is music and it's like if it changes, helps those moods

27:43

and like just gets you through that rough time.

27:51

What like one of my favorite pastimes is going to concerts.

27:54

I like a little bit of everything.

27:56

was when I grew up, I was into the emo scene.

27:59

So I'm huge into like still emo stuff and screaming and heavy metal, but I'll listen to

27:59

pop.

28:06

What else?

28:07

Country.

28:07

Really it's all over the place.

28:08

It depends on my mood.

28:12

it's always good though to hear that music have that effect on somebody as well.

28:19

Yeah, one album and actually have what this I used to at my own apartment in Auburn when I

28:19

went to college, I used to have these pictures up of albums and this one from Ariana, her

28:31

this album was the one that kind of saved me for the longest term.

28:36

It was kind of my healing album and was the album that really listened to a lot.

28:43

And so that's been my number one album from day one.

28:48

as it helped me get through a lot of those personal and really dark times.

28:53

think without that album, I wouldn't be here today from that.

28:57

And that album really, really helped me.

29:01

It just has really good songs on it, and I just really like it.

29:05

It's crazy how there's always that one album that comes at like the right time and just

29:05

helps you get through everything.

29:13

I have a couple of those that I from even when I was way younger that I still have on

29:13

repeat.

29:21

Well, the album actually came out about two years before my anxiety.

29:25

So it came out two years before then.

29:27

But then, for reason, during when I first got it, it was just really close to me.

29:34

I liked it when I first heard it.

29:37

It wasn't my favorite at first when I heard it.

29:42

Back there a few listens, I liked it.

29:43

But then when I really got the anxiety stuff, it just clutched on and held tight.

29:51

It was the album I listened to all the time.

29:53

I listened to all those songs 5,000 times.

29:56

I'm not kidding.

29:57

It's probably like, I think the highest listening song that I had was like over 600

29:57

streams.

30:04

I've listened to that myself for a lot the summer before, but we won't talk about that.

30:11

it was just, it just saved me.

30:14

I don't know why that album kind of has stuck with me, but it really has.

30:19

It's just been personal.

30:21

There are a few albums that came afterwards that I a year after I got diagnosed with

30:21

anxiety that were in my top two of my favorites.

30:31

So it was like that one that I showed and the other two have been my top three.

30:36

They're kind of been my healing album.

30:37

They've always been like top three, 100%.

30:42

That's That's really cool.

30:45

since you're somebody that deals with both anxiety and depression, like, so let me kind of

30:45

tell a personal story just so you can get to where I understand where I'm going with this.

30:57

So, I, this past year, I've been working a lot on myself.

31:01

I've never worked this deeply on my anxiety and depression before until the last year.

31:07

long story short, I had some.

31:10

I started having some medical problems back in 2009 and that's kind of when everything

31:10

started for me.

31:15

But last year they came back up and my anxiety and depression kicked in full gear.

31:19

I started going to therapy and dealt with my anxiety first.

31:25

And the depression was kind of just muted at the time.

31:28

Like it wasn't a huge deal at the time.

31:30

This was all happening.

31:31

My anxiety was just kicking my butt.

31:34

So lately it's been I've my depression has kind of taken over.

31:37

I got to the point where I could, you know, when I felt anxious, like I could

31:37

subconsciously like, okay, that's my anxiety speaking.

31:45

This is what I can do to push those thoughts out and get over it.

31:49

But it feels like to me, my depression is so much harder for me to kick.

31:56

Which one to you, like when it comes to like working through your anxiety and depression,

31:56

which one.

32:02

to you feels like it's harder to, I don't want to say overcome, but kind of push aside

32:02

and, you know, even yourself out.

32:15

Before I got on medicine for the anxiety, would 100 % say anxiety, but after I went to a

32:15

psychiatrist and got on really good anxiety medication, I would say now depression,

32:28

because depression for me has been incurable.

32:32

I've had like multiple different medicines for it.

32:35

I've been on different milligrams of doses for it.

32:38

And it just seems like nothing

32:41

really words have increased it, decreased it.

32:44

And that's always been a problem.

32:47

But when anxiety came up, that was not number one.

32:50

I can't get rid of it for the same amount of until I got on medicine for it.

32:54

And then after that depression kind of came back in as being the main.

33:02

Yes.

33:02

pain to get rid of.

33:03

So I would say now depression.

33:07

Yeah, it's, it's hard to find that right dosage of medicine.

33:13

I I lucked out for what I was taking.

33:15

And I found it pretty fast.

33:18

But everybody else tells me like, no, I had to take like three or four things before I was

33:18

able to find anything that worked.

33:26

was like, well, I guess I should count my blessings then because I can't.

33:32

I can't speak on that too much because it worked from the very beginning.

33:35

So it's tough that you had to go through all that medication to find something that helped

33:35

you out.

33:41

I was kind of in like the minority a little bit here, here with me being an oddball, but

33:41

it would work for a period of time.

33:50

And then let's start working.

33:52

We get on new medicine.

33:53

It worked and stopped working.

33:56

So I've had good medicine at first, but then after a while we had to change it constantly

33:56

because it would work for a good period of time.

34:04

And then just ask, Oh, we're not going to work today.

34:07

Like I had to go through multiple.

34:10

medications but it wasn't like within a year it was like over time so that oddball

34:19

No, no, I was that oddball with my medical problems so I can relate to you in some way.

34:30

What do you think is like the biggest misconceptions about people who struggle with

34:30

depression and anxiety?

34:39

For the biggest misconception is that...

34:46

It's hard because everyone seems to have a general idea of what depression anxiety is.

34:54

But I think they don't really know the whole magnitude of how it is.

34:59

It's something that I really find misconception is getting help for it.

35:05

I think a lot of people think that if you go to a therapy office, if you go to a

35:05

psychiatrist or even your doctor, you're kind of seen as or something.

35:14

And that's technically not really the case.

35:17

It's usually you could go into a therapy office and the people that you kind of go in and

35:17

see are normal people that are sitting out in the lobby.

35:27

and movies don't really do a good job.

35:31

portraying that.

35:32

They like to portray therapy and psychiatrist offices as the cuckoo box of here's a guy

35:32

that's schizophrenic with multicolored hair.

35:44

Here's a girl talking to her imaginary friend that's sitting beside her.

35:48

That's kind of what how TV and movies really like to portray it.

35:52

But in naturality, it's

35:54

Here's a man that just lost his wife due to her battle with cancer.

36:00

Here's a mom that's three kids that's dealing with postpartum.

36:04

Here's a kid that's in fifth grade that is going and seeing his therapist after school.

36:12

mean, you see more normal people in an office compared to crazy people.

36:20

I that's the biggest misconception is people think that if you go to them places, you're

36:20

automatically crazy and everyone in there is.

36:27

And that's not true.

36:29

Yeah, that was very well said.

36:33

So I applaud you.

36:35

Because it's crazy.

36:36

It's like, and the more you talk to people, the more you realize everybody has a story,

36:36

whether it's them personally dealing with it, or, you know, a brother or sister, an aunt

36:47

and uncle, a mom and dad, everybody has a story.

36:50

There's some relationship to somebody that's going through some mental health crisis.

36:57

Yeah, I've, it's also, I think a huge basic misconception I've received from it is people

36:57

really think that men don't open up enough about it.

37:08

And that's kind of the stigma of what America wants you to think.

37:13

even which overseas, might be more accepting for men to come out and share what they're

37:13

feeling.

37:21

But the U S tends to really portray it as.

37:25

Men are not supposed to show emotions.

37:28

They're supposed to hide it and provide for the family.

37:31

They're not supposed to have skin.

37:35

They're supposed to have thick armor around them.

37:37

That then really breaks them down.

37:39

And that's totally not true.

37:41

Now there might be some men out there that can do that and do it well, but it's hard.

37:49

It's really hard.

37:50

And I men to know that

37:53

Who cares if you break down and show your true side?

37:57

It's better than to let it out than keep it in, because it will eat you alive when you

37:57

keep it in.

38:03

It really will.

38:05

Yes, I agree.

38:07

I'm one of those ones that I'll now I'll just let it all go.

38:11

Like I don't really care.

38:14

think when you I think the hardest problem for me, like when I've started getting really

38:14

bad depression or anxiety or whatever it was, was admitting that I had a problem.

38:27

But as soon as I saw it for myself, it was so much easier to

38:33

be open about it and start talking about it.

38:39

What?

38:39

To you, what's like the hardest part about sharing your story?

38:46

When I first started sharing it was the judgment I was going to because I knew people were

38:46

going really think I was ever reacting and that it was something that I've really blown

39:00

out of proportion, which to some degree people can think that or...

39:07

Now I think I overthink it a lot because I could be crying having a bad day and they'll be

39:07

like, no, what's wrong today?

39:13

Are you okay?

39:14

I'm like, got ink on my finger.

39:15

they're like, got to the scene, go wash your hand.

39:19

I've gotten to that point where I literally cry over everything.

39:23

But first I was scared to really showcase that emotion because I think my classmates

39:23

wanted to have this image of me.

39:34

The smart kid that does really well in school, has a good family, comes from a good home,

39:34

he doesn't have anything to worry about.

39:44

When it was, I came from a broken home, I came from personal demons that almost took me

39:44

out and I was just an outcast from them.

39:56

I just didn't see that.

39:57

So I knew that if I opened up or anything about my depression or anxiety or depression

39:57

mainly at the time,

40:04

they wouldn't have believed it.

40:05

They would have not been supportive.

40:08

I firmly believed to this day if I said anything, I, I firmly believed that if I woke up

40:08

and was in the hospital, none of them would have said anything to me.

40:18

They would not have come by and said, are you okay?

40:20

What happened?

40:21

I can come back to school then wasn't thinking anything of it.

40:24

That's just who they were to me.

40:27

And now I open it up and share my story with them.

40:33

the kind of dope people that don't be silent like I was that if you stay silent, it leads

40:33

to bad repercussions to the point where it cannot be reversible.

40:46

It's irreversible at some points.

40:48

So you have to speak out.

40:51

And I just didn't have a good support system.

40:55

The only person I had was my mom.

40:57

All I had.

40:59

And

41:00

I was kind of lucky as I had mentioned earlier that she had depression too.

41:05

So mean, she understood what it was.

41:08

And a lot of my kids, like I look back at my classmates and yeah, some of them did deal

41:08

with anxiety and depression too, because I think one girl that, don't know whatever

41:20

happened her, but she came to school and had scratches and cuts on her arms.

41:26

And I just knew that as like, oh my God, you're supposed to do that.

41:29

That's bad.

41:30

and but she didn't really talk about it.

41:34

And so I was kind of like the same way they were.

41:40

They didn't speak about it.

41:41

I didn't speak about it.

41:42

But to this day, I've not really had any of them reach out to me and be like, you know, I

41:42

never knew that you went through all that during that time.

41:49

I've not said anything.

41:50

And I firmly believe that they just didn't really care about me in school.

41:54

And now it's

41:56

It's funny that they thought that I was the most unsuccessful one, but here I am with a

41:56

three podcasts, one that's in the top five, and I have done like a hundred episodes.

42:08

That's awesome.

42:09

And it's like, I went through a lot of stuff in the past to get to where I am today and

42:09

firmly believe that they probably did not expect me to be the most successful one of the

42:20

whole class.

42:21

just think it's, to me, it's karma coming back for them for how they treated me.

42:28

You wonder what I say to those people?

42:30

They'll screw their judgment.

42:32

it's just, I don't see how people can sit and point fingers and look at somebody like, oh,

42:32

you know, like, and judge them for something that they have, most of time they don't

42:48

understand.

42:52

Yeah.

42:54

But podcast in the top five, that's, that's really cool.

42:59

What, what was it that was initially your, mental health problems that got you into

42:59

podcasting or was it something else?

43:10

casting to me was a way for me to finally speak up and tell my truth.

43:15

It was years of being silenced from

43:20

people other than my parents, my parents during this whole time have been the most

43:20

supportive group.

43:25

So this has nothing to with them.

43:26

This has been everyone else that's been outside that my house.

43:31

Everyone kept me in a box.

43:33

I didn't want to hear what I had to say.

43:35

And this show has been the best way for me to finally speak my truth.

43:40

But I wanted it to be a show where I really am honest about everything.

43:46

I told

43:49

I've pretty pretty pretty

43:53

As you can see, real professional at it.

43:57

I've probably said everything under the sun about anything to the point where I probably

43:57

would have lawsuits coming for me.

44:03

But it's the honest truth and I really haven't lied about anything.

44:09

I've shared stuff that I don't really, I look back and I'm I shouldn't have said that, but

44:09

that was part of that persona of me being, have to shut up.

44:19

literally called out my whole classmates.

44:21

I've literally did a whole episode basically cussing them out.

44:23

I did like a whole ranking of them and just tell them really was what I did.

44:31

I said that really at the end.

44:33

I said y'all didn't really care about me.

44:35

I was like, y'all honestly because I was like y'all were not supportive of me.

44:41

I blasted my school for how they treated me as well.

44:45

I thought about

44:47

really from working experience how work environment is.

44:51

mean, I've said some pretty, I've been vocal on my show about stuff that most people would

44:51

not dare speak of.

44:59

And I've also talked about my own mental health journey on there.

45:02

And I've also had amazing guests on there as well.

45:08

That I've shared their truth as well, because they've been silenced too.

45:12

And that's been the whole, it's kind of turned into more of a

45:16

Having my truth heard, UA, I want people to be able to have their voice heard.

45:22

And so it's been a mixture of all that and it's done very well.

45:26

So it came from a place of, podcast has started as me being in silence for years and I was

45:26

like, I've had enough.

45:33

I want my voice heard.

45:34

You're going to hear it whether you like it or not.

45:37

That's cool though, it in the top five, it's you speaking your truth.

45:41

everybody likes somebody that's honest.

45:42

I honestly feel like that's the shows that do really well, or the ones that are being

45:42

honest and raw and open and vulnerable, whether people like to hear it or not.

45:54

Right.

45:54

And it was funny because the first episode that went viral was my first and that's because

45:54

I really showcased it on all my social media and I'm still friends or like follow a lot of

46:04

my old classmates on there.

46:06

It was actually the first time where I had people from high school actually reach out to

46:06

me and say stuff because they were worried I was saying shit about them on there.

46:15

And I said, oh, I said shit about you, but I'm not going to say what part of the I'm not

46:15

going to say what part of the episode I said it on that.

46:22

But there was some of them I did say good things on.

46:25

So I would say, yeah, I said good things about you.

46:28

which if they had a brain, they could probably figure out the order I went in.

46:32

they didn't use all their brain cells.

46:37

Would you say that the one that you kind of called people out, would you say that's one of

46:37

your most memorable episodes?

46:44

Mm-hmm.

46:45

That was kind of one of the ones I blew up.

46:47

It had like a hundred streams.

46:49

I thought, whoa.

46:50

I said, oh, people are mad at me.

46:53

said, majority of them are probably from my classmates because they wanted to know what I

46:53

said.

46:57

And it's really cool looking at the analytics because it was actually people that actually

46:57

could hear the whole episode.

47:04

So, you know, most people listen to like a second or like a

47:09

one minute or five minutes and the viewer and listening rate goes down.

47:14

It was like this for like a good part, which I mean, it would kind of go down, but it was

47:14

a slowed down.

47:21

It would go down very slowly.

47:23

thought that was kind of, think personally, one of my more long as heard episodes, which

47:23

it was only, I think like in over or so, but it was like 45.

47:35

40 minutes or an hour, I mean, it wasn't too long.

47:41

And by then you have one those hit and you're like, yes.

47:46

And it surprised me how well it was.

47:49

I think was like the majority of my classmates watching it, as I just wanted to know if I

47:49

said anything bad about them.

47:55

I've yet to have anyone come.

47:58

I've messaged me after I've posted it saying what this direct didn't mean.

48:02

I've yet to have that happen.

48:03

I'm still waiting for that moment, but haven't received it yet.

48:08

So I don't know if they just have not figured it out or too dumb.

48:13

I don't know.

48:14

You

48:15

I don't really honestly know.

48:16

I thought I'd be getting a lot of messages from them.

48:18

But I did bleep their name out.

48:21

They can't fully come from me because I didn't blast them on there.

48:25

much as I, and I think that's and some people could say, if you're wanting to speak the

48:25

honest truth, why censor their name?

48:34

And I even censored the people that were kind of,

48:39

that had good things to say only because I don't want to publicly blast these people on

48:39

here, even though I think some of them deserved it.

48:48

I don't want them to get really more attention than they need to.

48:51

They received enough attention from when they were in school.

48:55

don't need all my listeners going to give them attention.

48:59

And also to the good ones, I don't want to put their name out there and have all these

48:59

people follow them and find them and everything.

49:06

I always do that confidentiality thing.

49:08

I take it to heart.

49:09

It also saves me from lawsuits because I can't prove that I said it.

49:13

huh.

49:15

me a lot, it was therapeutic.

49:20

It really was.

49:21

It honestly was a lot of built up anger I had from them over the years from them.

49:26

And saying it all in that episode really like therapeutic.

49:31

Most people wouldn't say that, but to me it actually pretty much was.

49:36

And I believe you on that because I think that like starting to openly talk about like my

49:36

own struggles has been really therapeutic for me.

49:45

So I can see where you're coming from.

49:48

going back on the topic of you said in high school you felt like an outcast.

49:54

What advice would you give to someone currently feeling like an outcast or struggling with

49:54

suicidal thoughts or mental health issues?

50:04

I would say for people that are an outcast, you tend to be the one that comes the most

50:04

successful because you focus on yourself a lot during that time.

50:14

And when you're not really the center of attention, it's really nice to come back and show

50:14

them people how successful you are in the future.

50:24

I was always the outcast.

50:25

No one really ever talked to me.

50:27

And it's kind of humble to know that I kind of became the most successful one.

50:32

of the whole class, I've not heard anything that my classmates are doing, like where

50:32

there's like in the media.

50:39

Now, some of them have become doctors and teachers and all that, you know, but to be like

50:39

kind of successful in this kind of it feels good.

50:48

So if you are an outcast, you tend to be the one that becomes the most successful.

50:55

And later in life, it turns out that those people that really were mean to you come

51:00

or to come back and want to work for you.

51:06

then so if you're an outcast, I wouldn't take it really to heart.

51:09

It just means that you're really, it just means you're special.

51:15

I've always said it as, know, it'll be good to prove them back later in life.

51:22

And I always said that.

51:23

then the people that also have mental health issues, don't be ashamed of it.

51:29

I was ashamed of it for years and then I'm finally able to be a spokesperson for it and be

51:29

a confident advocate for it.

51:36

Don't keep it in, speak up as well.

51:40

Don't hide it because it's really hard to keep it in.

51:45

It's better to get it out.

51:47

So that's kind of my advice.

51:48

And if you need to get help, get help, who cares what people think.

51:52

It really...

51:53

Later in life, it really gets to the point where I don't really give a fuck about anyone.

51:57

That's kind of like the attitude I've had ever since graduation.

52:01

I'm like, I don't care.

52:03

I don't care what you have to say.

52:05

I just kind of have been in that attitude.

52:07

So once you get older every day, you turn to give less shit about what people have to say.

52:13

So that's what I would say.

52:16

be true to yourself and don't let anyone get you down.

52:19

Yeah, and you have to get to that point where you just don't care what other people think

52:19

and say.

52:24

It's like, I think that's how, with me, I felt like I spent so much time people pleasing

52:24

and living through others.

52:34

It wasn't until I stopped caring that I'm like, okay, well, I'm going to do what I want to

52:34

do.

52:40

Yeah.

52:44

If you could leave listeners with one message, one message about overcoming depression and

52:44

anxiety, what would it be?

52:53

That's a question.

52:55

I kind of go by my motto once a fighter always a fighter.

53:00

I don't know if it's a famous quote, if it is a shout out to that person that said that,

53:00

but I came up with that quote as a motto for my mental health.

53:10

And I think it's really very impactful is once you start fighting, you'll always end up

53:10

fighting.

53:19

Once you overcome it, if it ever comes and happens again, you'll always be able to fight

53:19

through it and get through it.

53:25

And it's kind of the motto I would say is once you fight through something, you will

53:25

always be a fighter to the end.

53:33

No matter what kind of pain comes your way, what other kind of roadblocks come your way,

53:33

you'll always come out on top and that you'll never give up.

53:43

And where can people find you?

53:48

I'm pretty much everywhere.

53:50

The podcast Lethal Venom, it's, if you want to kind of idea, literally, it's this kind of

53:50

attitude eh on the show.

53:57

But it's more, I kind of do more interviews now than personalized episodes, which I'm to

53:57

change that soon to where it's kind of more of an even balance.

54:05

But, you know, it's Lethal Venom.

54:07

It's wherever you get podcasts from.

54:09

I'm on all the major platforms.

54:11

Spotify, Apple, Amazon, iHeartRadio, YouTube, Pandora.

54:14

pretty much everywhere.

54:15

So feel free to check it out on those platforms.

54:17

You can find it on social media as well.

54:20

Instagram and TikTok at Sleepless Venom Podcast, and then Facebook, Twitter, and YouTube

54:20

at Snowy's Podcast.

54:27

So feel free to follow the platform and podcast on any of those platforms.

54:30

That's kind of usually where I am the most.

54:32

I'm on Instagram and TikTok the most to promote it.

54:36

then episodes usually come out on all the platforms at the same time.

54:40

And that's usually the

54:42

popular ones at home, yeah, that's technically where you can find me the most.

54:47

And one last thing here, we covered quite a bit of ground here tonight.

54:51

Is there anything that we did not discuss that you would like to bring up?

54:58

I so.

54:59

I think we kind of covered everything.

55:02

Well Noah, want to thank you for coming on the show.

55:05

I admire your attitude and all the stuff that you've had to overcome and with the

55:05

struggles that you've had.

55:11

Keep going, keep pushing through it.

55:13

I love to hear these stories.

55:16

Just thank you so much for coming on and spending an hour with me.

55:21

Thank you.

55:21

I appreciate you for reaching out and letting me come on.

55:24

It was an honor to be on here and I can't wait.

55:27

Very excited to be here.

55:28

So thank you for having me.

55:30

And thank you to all that are listening.

55:32

If this story resonated with you, please share it.

55:35

And you can follow us on any major podcast platform.

55:38

Thanks again.

55:39

Until next time.