The Hidden Mental Load of Parenting (And How It Affects Your Kids)

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Nobody really prepares you for this part of parenting.

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I'm not talking about the schedules or the routines.

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I'm speaking about the weight of it.

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the mental load, the pressure.

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You those quiet moments where you're thinking, am I doing this right?

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Is the way I'm feeling affecting my kids?

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because parenting isn't just about raising kids, it's about managing yourself while you're

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doing it.

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Welcome back to Overcome with Travis White.

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This is another solo episode.

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I had mentioned before that I will be doing a few of these because I want you to get to

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know me.

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I want you to have a better understanding of who I am.

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But this episode is real.

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Today we'll be talking about parenting and mental health and the foundation you're

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building your family on because it starts with you.

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And I want to share or start with a real moment, share a story with you.

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So not too long ago, my daughter who is six was playing at a friend's house.

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She'd been there for a while.

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Before she was gone, everything seemed to be going smoothly.

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Other kids were listening.

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There was no fighting, no bickering.

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Just a good attitude around the house.

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But when she came home, it was like instant...

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instantly chaotic.

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She wasn't listening, she was picking fights, causing problems, kind of all the typical

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behavior of a six-year-old.

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But I'll be honest, this time I'd seen her act better, but...

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And I will admit that.

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I was already overwhelmed.

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One thing to point out, my wife is pregnant due any day now.

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So I feel like I'm taking on a bigger load than usual.

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I don't want to give myself an excuse.

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But I will say that mentally, I was already stretched really thin.

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But in this moment, when all that chaos just built up and kept building, I did something.

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I didn't think before I spoke.

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I reacted and I ended up saying some things that hurt my daughter's feelings.

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And after that moment it hit me.

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This isn't just about behavior.

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This is about what I'm carrying into that moment.

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And that moment right there, that's what I brought into it.

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and I want to talk about the behavior part for a minute because

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I'm sitting here talking about my daughter acting or behaving badly for this moment that's

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not just on her.

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your kids recognize when something is off or when you're acting poorly and if you don't

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find a way to correct that they're going to start copying your actions and reactions.

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It's something that you can actually pinpoint where you're struggling and change how you

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react.

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You're going to see better behavior in your kid as well.

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And you know, I'm going to be honest, I've always noticed some degree that my mental state

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affects my kids.

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I myself am a very anxious person.

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And I'm thinking back to one specific therapy session that I had probably about a year,

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year and a half ago.

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And I was talking to my therapist about parenting and how sometimes it's really

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frustrating for me and it makes me anxious.

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and it can set me off.

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At this time I hadn't really fully admitted that I had these types of problems.

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And one thing I learned that it was tied to was expectations.

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I always expected things to go smoother.

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I expected kids to listen right away with no problems.

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And if you're a parent, you know that never happens.

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I expected each moment to be way easier than it actually was.

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and if things didn't go my way and didn't meet my expectations is when all this would

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build up and I'd get frustrated.

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This is when my therapist said something that was kind of shifting my perspective and

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allowing me to take a step back.

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He told me that in order to come above this, need to lower your expectations.

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And in this moment, I realized that he wasn't just talking about my kids, but he was

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talking about life in general.

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you need to meet the moment for what it actually is.

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Because when I actually sat down and thought about it, I realized there are a couple

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specific types of situations that actually truly frustrate me to no end.

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they can, there's like two consistent things.

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oh One of them is bedtime.

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I'm pretty sure I'm not the only parent that struggles with this.

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For me, I know it's.

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As soon as I mentioned the word bed, it's like my kids transform into something that

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they're not.

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It's the end of the day.

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I'm tired.

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The kids are tired.

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We're all exhausted and So in my head, I've always told myself, well, this has to happen

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in this order.

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kids can't talk back they can't bicker needs to be quick needs to happen my way my way but

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we all know that's not a reality

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And when it doesn't go my way, that's when.

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I get short.

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other example is

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when I'm repeating myself.

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Those moments where you ask once nothing Ask again still nothing and again nothing just

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seems like a never-ending cycle third fourth fifth sixth seventh time Once again

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frustration

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Those are usually the moments that are the hardest for me as a parent.

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Like I said, I'm an anxious person.

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and I can't control these moments.

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And none of us can, but I know that I'm not in this fight alone.

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All of us are trying to build strong families.

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on unstable ground.

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We're all exhausted, we're all stressed, and most of us are carrying more or bigger loads

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than other people can see.

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The problem we're running into though is we still try to show up perfectly.

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which we know is not real life.

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you, you parenting, there's no perfection in parenting.

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It doesn't require perfection.

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To me, parenting is more about awareness.

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and most of the stress that comes from parenting isn't loud.

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It kind of sits there back there in a corridor all quiet.

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And it just keeps building and building.

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And I've said this before is I know this isn't just me.

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I know it's not just you.

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What's happening to parents everywhere.

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Let's put this into perspective a little bit.

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About one in three parents say that they're dealing with high levels of stress.

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nearly half say it feels overwhelming most days.

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and lot of parents are done with burnout.

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and also

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There are quite a few parents that are reporting that they're so overwhelmed that they

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can't really function.

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So if you've ever felt that.

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felt any of these at all.

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I'm sorry that you've had to feel this way.

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Because parenting, Ben, if we're being honest, it's tough.

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It's not easy thing to do.

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and you can't just keep letting it build up.

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the most important thing to do is recognize that it's there and do something about it.

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So I want to tell you a few things that have helped me to get through these stressful

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moments so I can stop myself from having these many...

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anxiety moments or panic attacks.

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Uh, I, here you have two things that I use quite a bit.

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One of them is creating space for myself.

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And this isn't necessarily just for parenting.

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This works anywhere you want to use it.

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Both these methods will work well with parenting or the work place or wherever you want to

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use it.

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the first, excuse me, the first one is creating space.

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Remove yourself from the situation.

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If your kids are in your bedroom acting up and you're overwhelmed before you choose to

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react.

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walk into the other room.

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Take 30 seconds, take some breaths, count whatever works for you.

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For some people maybe this is longer than 30 seconds.

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For me it used to be like two minutes but I've got it down a little bit lower than it was

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before.

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This allows you to reset and after I walk out of room for 30 seconds I'm able to walk back

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in and have a clear mind.

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The next one I can usually do in the same room and most of the time my kids and nobody

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will realize that I'm doing this.

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It look a little better in the room, a little bit, but it's usually not noticeable.

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It's called the 5-4-3-2-1 method.

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This only takes a few seconds to do.

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So you name five things that you can see.

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Look around the room.

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Really quick, just glance and name them.

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And four things that you can fill.

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three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste.

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That's it.

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I don't know the exact science behind it.

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eh Excuse me.

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I'm gonna take a quick drink water here.

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But as soon as I do this, it's like it pulls me out of the situation I'm in, pulls me out

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of my own head, and allows me to step back into that moment and to actually respond in a

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better way and be present.

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It gives me just enough space.

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I'll clear my head.

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that's all you need to do.

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But I suggest going out there and finding your own techniques to help you out, to help you

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stay grounded as a parent.

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I mean, this could be another thing that I've learned about.

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I haven't really used.

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It's journaling.

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I've heard it has, it's great to do though.

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But.

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I spoke about earlier about building a foundation.

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and all these things as long as I stay grounded and can reset myself.

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I can.

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help build my foundation and my kids foundation at the same time.

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When I say foundation, I'm talking about something very specific.

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I don't know if any of you have ever heard of my faith framework, but foundation is F in

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my faith framework.

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And you can think about foundation as your baseline.

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It's what you're standing on when things get hard.

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when you're overwhelmed, when your patience is gone is what you're standing on.

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what, I guess it comes when I think about it, three questions come to mind.

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What are you standing on?

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What motivates you?

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And what?

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Sorry, I just lost the third question now.

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Sorry, it's a good thing about a podcast I can mess up nobody I'm not live nobody

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I can just reset myself.

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foundation is what are you standing on?

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What motivates you?

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and what are you struggling with?

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I think it's really important for the first two to kind of figure out what pushes you

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forward.

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And the third question comes in more from you need to know what you're struggling with so

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you where to fill the holes of your foundation, what you need to work on.

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But these, and if you figure this out, it gives you reason to show up better.

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Even those times you don't feel like it.

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And for me, my foundation is my kids, my family.

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is in those moments, you know when I'm tired and I feel overwhelmed, and I feel that

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frustration and intensity building.

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I can either fall back in, well I have two choices really.

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I can fall back into old habits or I can remember what I'm building.

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and who I'm building it for.

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Because if I'm being honest, my kids aren't just watching me, they're shaping me.

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They are my reason to slow down and to continue to grow.

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It's because of them that I want to become better than I was before.

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So guess you could say I'm building a foundation for them, but I'm also building mind

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through them.

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which I think is important to know.

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And I'll admit it, guys still mess up.

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I do all the time.

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I'm only human.

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But I always find a way to come back.

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going back to the example of my daughter.

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I, that night I still found a way to reconnect and I feel like it's important to point out

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when you mess up as a parent, it's important to go back, make that connection again, and

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let your kids know, just like I let my daughter know, that what I said wasn't right and my

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behavior was unacceptable.

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and that she deserves it.

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Because I want my kids to always know that I still care.

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that I'm human and I still make mistakes, that daddy's not perfect.

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and I still want her to feel loved no matter how many mistakes I may make.

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Now before you move on from this episode, I want to leave you with two challenges.

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First, take a moment and think about your foundation.

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What are you standing on?

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That motivates you to keep moving forward.

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What are you struggling with?

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Another way to phrase this would be, where is your foundation being tested right now?

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What can you improve?

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because once you understand these questions...

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you can start building something stronger.

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I, for me, my kids and my family are my strongest foundation.

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They're one of the number one reasons why I keep going.

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Believe it or not, my dog is a huge part of my foundation.

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I'd say this podcast, and those of you that listen, I don't know you.

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I don't know who you are.

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But.

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I know there are some of you out there and you're the reason why I keep going because I

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want to help people like you.

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I want you to feel like you're not alone and that you can push through this whether it be

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with parenting or something else.

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second challenge.

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tonight is I want you to sit down and think about your parenting.

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What are your pain points?

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What moment set you off the fastest?

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What does your patience break down?

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I like to sit and think about this.

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not what I mean where does your patience break down.

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I just sit and think about these and write those down.

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Because you can't change it if you don't face it, if you don't know.

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you're going wrong in parenting or what your pain points are, you can't recognize those

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patterns.

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You can't fully be there for your children.

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But once you understand those, I really feel like that's where the growth starts.

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And as human beings, feel like that's important as we're always continuing to grow.

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Always room for growth.

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for the next time you feel it building the frustration.

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the moment that's just getting to you.

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Pay attention to what you're carrying into that moment.

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Because most likely that's what your kids are experiencing.

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And be honest with yourself, you're not going to get it right every day.

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No one does.

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I don't.

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That's for sure.

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No parent does.

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but you can keep building something better.

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because I will say that strong families are built on strong foundations.

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that's all I had to say today.

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And if this episode resonated with you, share it with another parent who needs it.

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Remember, you're not alone in this.

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We overcome together.

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And please also under other thing hit that subscribe button and leave us a review.

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A five star review preferably because that'd be very helpful.

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Thanks again until next time.