Rebuilding After Everything Falls Apart | Gaylen Wilson

0:00

What happens when you've already

0:00

accepted that you're going to

0:02

die?

0:03

And then thirty minutes later

0:03

the phone rings to tell you

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there's

0:06

a heart waiting for you. Today's

0:06

guest,

0:09

Galen Wilson, has lived through

0:09

bankruptcy,

0:11

alcoholism, the collapse of a

0:11

career,

0:14

heart problems, and eventually a

0:14

heart transplant that gave him a

0:17

second chance

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at life. But what stood out to

0:18

me the most wasn't just that

0:22

Galen survived.

0:23

It was what he learned about

0:23

rebuilding after everything

0:27

falls apart.

0:28

The role our relationships can

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play in keeping us going,

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and why sometimes resilience is

0:31

simply being grateful for what

0:35

you still have instead of

0:35

becoming bitter about what

0:38

you've lost.

0:38

This is a conversation about

0:38

survival,

0:42

sobriety, love, second chances,

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and learning how to build a life

0:44

worth fighting for.

0:47

Welcome to Overcome with Travis

0:47

White.

0:55

Galen, why don't you go ahead

0:55

and share your story?

0:58

Okay. well let's start back up.

1:02

I had a pretty boring childhood,

1:04

n pretty normal normal. I was

1:04

adopted,

1:07

but my adopted parents never hid

1:07

it from me.

1:11

They were always fully honest

1:11

about it and they treated me

1:16

like their own,

1:17

so I I don't have any scars from

1:17

the adoption.

1:21

Yeah.

1:22

And and I I got married at

1:22

twenty and had

1:27

four kids by the time I was

1:27

twenty six.

1:29

So we we w my ex father in law

1:29

used to tease me that he was

1:34

gonna buy me

1:35

a book that told me how that

1:35

happened.

1:37

Yeah.

1:39

And and so I started farming at

1:39

about twenty three.

1:43

I I got the opportunity to rent

1:43

some land from a guy out in

1:48

Dodge City,

1:49

Kansas. And and so I all of a

1:49

sudden I was a farmer and I

1:55

loved it.

1:56

It was

1:57

Who I was. I it I was making

1:57

more money than the average

2:00

20-something year

2:01

old in in southeast Colorado.

2:01

And nobody told me that you

2:06

really shouldn't

2:07

be a farmer in the desert.

2:10

Yeah.

2:12

And so in my early thirties I

2:12

had two of my last three years

2:16

were crop failures

2:18

because of the drought. you

2:18

know,

2:20

you don't get rain, you don't

2:20

grow a crop.

2:22

And and so that pretty much

2:24

the I had the had the one

2:24

drought year and then had a good

2:27

year that kinda kept

2:29

me float afloat and then the

2:29

second drought year did me in.

2:32

And so I ended up filing farm

2:32

bankruptcy over that.

2:36

And I didn't have any any mental

2:36

tools to deal with that

2:42

that disappointment and so I did

2:42

the good old farmer thing and

2:46

just stuffed

2:47

it and went on. And

2:51

So I worked some minimum wage

2:51

jobs around town and finally

2:56

decided

2:57

in the late 80s to make my

2:57

fortune and go to the city.

3:02

So I went to Denver. I got a job

3:02

as a stockbroker,

3:06

believe it or not. you know,

3:11

the they say, How do you go from

3:11

being a farmer to a stockbroker?

3:14

And I said, Well, I wasted

3:14

myself on farming for ten years.

3:17

Hehehehehe.

3:18

But they really don't give

3:18

farmers enough.

3:21

credit for how much business

3:21

knowledge they've got to have.

3:24

And so I did really well at

3:24

that.

3:27

as you'll find out I can talk.

3:30

Yeah.

3:32

And and the New Yorkers really

3:32

seem to love my laid back

3:35

Colorado attitude

3:36

and and and accent. And and so I

3:36

was doing really well.

3:43

I walk into work one Monday

3:43

morning in mid January of

3:47

nineteen ninety.

3:49

And

3:50

I had been selling this little

3:50

dental HMO to all of my

3:53

customers.

3:53

I had three thousand dollars of

3:53

my mother's money in it.

3:56

And I walk into work and they

3:56

tell me,

4:00

well, DHA has filed chapter

4:00

seven,

4:02

they're gone, their stock's

4:02

worthless.

4:05

And so all of my clients

4:05

wouldn't talk to me anymore.

4:10

And my mother was not too happy.

4:14

And and so I again I didn't have

4:14

any really good mental tools to

4:18

deal with that

4:19

disaster. And so I picked a

4:19

really bad one and I crawled

4:23

inside a

4:23

bod vodka bottle for 10 years.

4:25

And and so I was a really high

4:25

functioning drunk.

4:30

I had four kids I still needed

4:30

to take care of,

4:32

so I I was able to keep jobs and

4:32

until

4:35

Mm-hmm.

4:35

I wasn't, you know, in the late

4:35

90s it was starting to really

4:38

wear on me.

4:39

And fortunately I had a job that

4:39

had good health insurance.

4:43

and I was able to get six weeks

4:43

of rehab and and so that gave me

4:48

some tools

4:48

in my toolbox to start dealing

4:48

with all those disasters in my

4:52

life.

4:53

And and so by January of two

4:53

thousand one,

4:57

I was to the point where I was

4:57

mostly sober with just like

5:02

having I'd

5:03

be ho sober for six, eight or

5:03

eight months and have a weekend

5:06

binge.

5:09

And unfortunately, that was also

5:09

about the time my first

5:12

marriage,

5:13

after twenty-some years,

5:13

disintegrated.

5:15

the kids were all grown. you

5:15

know,

5:19

we'd done the typical thing, you

5:19

got so many kids that you're

5:22

paying attention

5:23

to them, so you lose each other.

5:24

And then the alcohol and and the

5:24

repeated disasters didn't help.

5:29

And so I had nothing bad to say

5:29

about my ex.

5:33

She was she was a saint. She

5:33

probably put up with my BS a lot

5:36

longer than what

5:37

she should have.

5:39

Yeah.

5:40

And

5:40

and so in January two thousand

5:40

one I got a job as

5:45

a traveling computer consultant

5:45

for PeopleSoft,

5:48

a software company. And they

5:48

would send me out during the

5:53

week

5:54

to wherever they needed me to go

5:54

and then fly me home for the

5:57

weekends.

5:57

And so I was I was in tall

5:57

cotton.

6:00

I was never made so much money

6:00

in my life.

6:03

I thought I'd made it.

6:06

And then those planes fly into

6:06

the building in September of two

6:10

thousand

6:10

and one and that whole

6:10

consulting industry went down in

6:13

ashes with those buildings.

6:15

And within by December I got

6:15

laid off.

6:20

And so I spent all of two

6:20

thousand and the next nine

6:25

months,

6:25

first part of two thousand and

6:25

two,

6:27

on unemployment, looking

6:27

nationwide for work,

6:31

and I got flown to Chicago for

6:31

one interview and they loved me,

6:35

but

6:36

They said called me back a week

6:36

later and said,

6:38

Well, the economy's not back

6:38

yet.

6:39

We're not gonna fill that

6:39

position.

6:41

And so I had to go to work for

6:41

Walmart as a cashier when the

6:44

unemployment ran out.

6:46

And and that was also about the

6:46

time I met Heather.

6:51

And it's September twenty-third

6:51

of two thousand and two.

6:56

We just celebrated our

6:56

twenty-fourth anniversary of the

6:58

night we met,

6:59

just a few weeks ago. And

7:04

We

7:05

both kind of feel like we hit

7:05

the jackpot right off the bat

7:07

because

7:08

we were the first person that

7:08

either one of us dated after our

7:11

failed marriages.

7:12

And I have been doing some

7:12

studying into tantric sex,

7:18

not so much the Hindu part of

7:18

it,

7:21

but the techniques. And

7:23

Mm-hmm.

7:23

one of the tenets of it is eye

7:23

gazing.

7:25

And eye gazing can create such

7:25

an incredible bond between

7:30

a couple when it's used during

7:30

love making.

7:34

And you're gonna see where this

7:34

eye gazing comes into play laser

7:38

later that

7:39

I learned there twenty-five

7:39

years ago.

7:42

and so Heather and I started off

7:42

with the eye gazing,

7:46

started off with an incredible

7:46

bond.

7:48

We basically never left the

7:48

romance phase for twelve years.

7:51

they often say that ac

7:51

alcoholics switch their

7:56

addictions.

7:57

Well, I just switched mine to

7:57

Heather.

8:00

Hey.

8:01

She's a much healthier

8:01

addiction.

8:04

And so

8:05

I

8:08

by after the

8:13

the disaster we we moved my

8:13

little house my house came

8:17

available back

8:18

in our little hometown. one of

8:18

the renters had moved out.

8:21

I hadn't been able to sell it in

8:21

all those years.

8:24

And so Heather and I moved in

8:24

and I was able to transfer with

8:29

I had had to

8:29

get a job at with Walmart as a

8:29

cashier.

8:32

because I couldn't get a halfway

8:32

decent job because you're

8:36

overqualified.

8:37

You know, I had one job actually

8:37

tell me we love you,

8:41

Galen, but if that money comes

8:41

back,

8:44

you're gonna be gone. So we

8:44

can't invest in you.

8:48

Yeah.

8:49

And so so we get back to I I was

8:49

able

8:55

to transfer with Walmart to our

8:55

little town and so I hit the

8:58

ground with

8:59

the job and you know my rent was

9:02

considerably my payment was

9:02

three twenty five and my rent in

9:05

Denver

9:06

had been eleven hundred and

9:06

fifty.

9:07

So we ac I had to take a three

9:07

dollar an hour pay cut to come

9:11

home,

9:11

but I was actually more money in

9:11

my pocket.

9:14

And so I me being the

9:14

enterprising kind of guy I am,

9:20

I put a little ad in the paper

9:20

for computer repair,

9:23

even though I'd never really

9:23

done it,

9:24

but I'd I'd been a hobbyist all

9:24

my life and I'd built my own

9:29

computers so

9:30

I figure I could fix other

9:30

people's.

9:32

And and within six months that

9:32

job was making more than the

9:37

Walmart was.

9:38

So I was able to quit it and go

9:38

to it doing it full time out of

9:42

the house.

9:43

And so from about June of two

9:43

thousand four to present,

9:47

Heather and I have been together

9:47

twenty four seven,

9:49

three sixty five, because I've

9:49

been self employed that whole

9:53

time.

9:54

And I tell people you've got to

9:54

really like your wife.

9:58

not

9:59

just lover to be around her that

9:59

much.

10:01

And she is my best friend. And

10:01

so anyway,

10:07

so we're going along really good

10:07

with the repair business.

10:10

And then Microsoft comes out

10:10

with Windows 7.

10:14

Well Windows 7 didn't get

10:14

infected with viruses like

10:18

Windows XP did.

10:19

And ac viruses were my bread and

10:19

butter.

10:22

I was working on

10:23

Mm-hmm.

10:23

10 or 15 computers a week.

10:25

And I went to working on one or

10:25

two computers a week.

10:28

So here we were again. Another

10:32

Yeah.

10:32

disaster. And I it was about

10:32

that time that I discovered a

10:36

couple

10:36

of websites that are like dating

10:36

sites for c computer techs

10:41

and companies that need work

10:41

orders done.

10:43

You know, like they need to you

10:43

to go to Walmart and swap out a

10:47

cash register

10:48

or go to Sonic and replace their

10:48

their servers or you know,

10:53

whatever.

10:55

And so I again landed on my

10:55

feet.

11:00

we actually hooked up with an

11:00

outfit out of West Virginia that

11:05

they

11:05

had to contract with ATT and ATT

11:05

had to contract with the USDA

11:09

Farm Service Agency

11:11

to provide all their computer

11:11

equipment for their 3600 sites

11:15

across the country.

11:16

And this company had a hard time

11:16

getting reliable techs to

11:22

go out and install this

11:22

equipment.

11:24

So they actually started sending

11:24

Heather and I all over the

11:28

United States.

11:28

We actually hit all 48

11:28

contiguous states within three

11:32

years after starting with

11:34

them, going to the county seats

11:34

all across the country.

11:38

So for this old farmer, it was

11:38

really neat seeing all the you

11:41

know the tobacco

11:42

Yeah.

11:42

and the rice and the sugar cane

11:42

and all the crops all across the

11:47

country.

11:47

And and so we had just come back

11:47

off of our big trip.

11:52

It was we left July 6th of 2014

11:52

in a brand new little Toyota

11:57

Prius C.

11:57

You know, that's the smallest

11:57

Prius they make.

12:00

And I had built a little four by

12:00

four Harbor Freight Tools

12:06

trailer

12:06

kit with a Sears car top

12:06

carrier,

12:08

and that's what we put our

12:08

luggage in.

12:10

And I took her and her 14 and

12:10

16-year-old daughters,

12:14

and we drove through 35 states

12:14

and did 250 offices in 31

12:19

states.

12:20

seventeen weeks and twenty five

12:20

thousand miles on the road.

12:23

And the girls were homeschooled

12:23

through a computer school.

12:28

And and so we get home and that

12:28

Christmas,

12:34

around Christmas time I got

12:34

really sick.

12:36

And so I went into the little

12:36

clinic here in town.

12:39

And being a town of seventy five

12:39

hundred we don't have really

12:43

good health care.

12:44

Mm-hmm.

12:44

You know it's it's at the cities

12:44

that are quite a ways away.

12:48

And

12:49

The

12:50

physician's assistant I saw

12:50

said,

12:50

Well, Galen, you've got

12:50

pneumonia.

12:52

Here's some antibiotics. Well,

12:54

I later found out that the

12:54

protocol for pneumonia is you'll

12:58

take a chest x-ray

12:59

to make sure to verify that it's

12:59

pneumonia.

13:02

He didn't do that. And so I took

13:02

his his antibiotics

13:08

and and Heather and I we had

13:08

another three and a half month

13:12

trip planned

13:13

and and the girls were done with

13:13

the road.

13:18

Yeah.

13:19

They

13:19

had done and they they stayed at

13:19

home with their eighteen year

13:22

old brother

13:22

and we had bought a motorhome

13:22

for that trip.

13:24

And I had bought an oxygen

13:24

generator when I was really

13:30

sick,

13:30

and so we threw the oxygen

13:30

generator in because I was still

13:33

kinda needing

13:34

it at night. And so we take off

13:34

on the trip thinking we're good.

13:39

But as the further I get, the

13:39

weaker and weaker I got,

13:42

the more out of breath I got.

13:42

Until six weeks into the trip.

13:46

We're down in Corpus Christi,

13:46

Texas,

13:48

and I have to carry my little

13:48

tin bowed bag of tools in and

13:52

set it down

13:52

on their counter to suck air for

13:52

a couple of minutes before I

13:55

could tell

13:56

why I was there. It was just I

13:56

was that bad.

13:59

And so we it was President's

13:59

Day,

14:02

we had a day off, the FSA

14:02

offices were closed,

14:05

and so I said, Let's find a

14:05

walk-in clinic and go in and see

14:08

if the pneumonia's coming back.

14:10

And so we did, and they did send

14:10

me for the chest x-ray.

14:14

And

14:16

And they they called me back

14:16

that afternoon and said,

14:20

Mr. Wilson, you d don't have

14:20

pneumonia.

14:23

You've got congestive heart

14:23

failure.

14:25

You need to get home to Colorado

14:25

today.

14:27

And so my bright idea as a type

14:27

the type A personality I was

14:33

was,

14:33

well, we're making three hundred

14:33

dollars a job and getting three

14:37

to four jobs

14:38

a day in. We need to finish this

14:38

six weeks and then we'll go get

14:43

a taken care of.

14:44

Well that lasted two jobs into

14:44

the next day before the reality

14:48

set in that

14:49

I had a serious heart problem

14:49

and that we did need to get

14:53

home.

14:53

And and so

15:00

Poor Heather had to drive that

15:00

motor home the thousand miles

15:03

home.

15:03

And she's from a town of three

15:03

hundred in southeast Colorado.

15:06

She

15:07

and she grew up outside that

15:07

seven miles outside that town.

15:11

So she didn't do city traffic

15:11

well.

15:14

And so and I but I was too sick

15:14

by that time to to help with the

15:20

driving.

15:20

And so she had to drive it all

15:20

the way home.

15:22

We did have a long hose on the

15:22

oxygen generator,

15:25

and she made me come up and sit

15:25

beside her in the chair.

15:28

That's

15:29

it.

15:29

in the passenger seat when she

15:29

went through San Antonio.

15:32

And but Brave Girl got me home

15:32

and we went into

15:37

the little hospital here and

15:37

it's a triage hospital.

15:41

You know, anything serious, they

15:41

say,

15:42

okay, Mr. Wilson, the ambulance

15:42

will be here to take you to

15:45

Colorado Springs.

15:46

And so when they got me into the

15:46

springs,

15:49

into the ER up there, they did

15:49

their tests and a normal healthy

15:53

human heart puts

15:55

out 50 to 60 percent

15:57

of

15:58

the blood out of the left

15:58

chamber every time it beats.

16:00

They call that the ejection

16:00

fraction.

16:02

And mine was putting out five.

16:04

Mm-hmm.

16:06

Yeah, so I was knocking on

16:06

desk's door really hard.

16:09

Really, really hard, yeah.

16:10

Yeah. And and so they gave me a

16:10

medicine called LASIK,

16:14

which is a diuretic, to take the

16:14

water off.

16:18

And they took off twenty two

16:18

pounds in two days.

16:21

That was nearly three gallons of

16:21

water.

16:25

that would have been around my

16:25

heart and lungs,

16:27

cu basically congesting them.

16:31

And and so I immediately felt

16:31

better.

16:35

And I the doctor was explaining

16:35

it to me and he and I said,

16:40

so in other words, my heart and

16:40

lungs got in a ballroom brawl in

16:44

the middle

16:45

of a pool. He said, Yeah, pretty

16:45

much.

16:47

And so they put a an internal

16:47

defibrill pacemaker in me.

16:54

and gave me heart meds and sent

16:54

me home.

16:57

And by that summer they had me

16:57

back up to about thirty percent

17:01

ejection fraction,

17:02

which isn't fifty to sixty

17:02

percent,

17:04

but you can live a fairly decent

17:04

life.

17:06

you're just not gonna be running

17:06

any foot races.

17:09

but

17:15

I just over the next three years

17:15

I I just slowly went down the

17:20

hill.

17:20

Heather had to watch me dying in

17:20

front of her eyes for three and

17:23

a half years.

17:23

And it's during those those long

17:23

term illnesses that a lot

17:29

of couples the relationship

17:29

crumbles.

17:31

You know, either the patient

17:33

Mm-hmm.

17:34

withdraws into themselves and

17:34

pushes their caregiver away,

17:36

or the caregiver just gets so

17:36

exhausted that they say,

17:40

I can't do this anymore, I'm

17:40

out.

17:43

they they basically lose being

17:43

husband and wife and transform

17:47

into

17:47

a patient caregiver

17:47

relationship.

17:49

And that really didn't help

17:49

happen with Heather and I.

17:54

Of course she took care of me.

17:55

She was amazing. She was my

17:55

angel,

17:57

nursed me all the way through.

17:59

but we never lost the affection

17:59

even the last year and

18:05

a half where sex be just just

18:05

became completely impossible.

18:09

we never lost the

18:12

the affection, the eye-gazing.

18:13

We never lost that bond we had

18:13

created.

18:17

one of the cool little things I

18:17

d I'm I kind of skipped over it,

18:21

but that Prius taught us an

18:21

interesting lesson that helped

18:25

us through that time.

18:26

Because in the Prius, you learn

18:26

to say I'm sorry really quickly

18:33

and say you're forgiven really

18:33

quickly.

18:35

Because there's nothing quite as

18:35

miserable as driving hundreds

18:38

of miles with somebody you're

18:38

mad at.

18:41

Yes, yes, true.

18:43

And so that

18:44

is that taught us really fast

18:44

repair,

18:46

which then served us well during

18:46

the the stress of of three and a

18:51

half years

18:51

of of heart failure. And so

18:51

Heather stuck by me right

18:56

through the to the end.

18:58

And in on June 19th of 2018,

19:02

I I knew that I wasn't gonna be

19:02

around much longer.

19:07

My

19:08

Defibrator pacemaker went off

19:08

about three weeks previously and

19:11

saved my life.

19:12

My heart rate had been two

19:12

hundred and forty beats a minute

19:16

right

19:16

wow.

19:17

before that thing went off and

19:17

shocked me back into rhythm.

19:19

And they s I I had a little

19:19

mouse thing that I could hold

19:23

over

19:23

the defibrillar and then put it

19:23

in a cradle that would send the

19:26

report to Denver.

19:27

And I did that the next morning

19:27

and day and then called them up

19:31

and they said,

19:32

yeah, that's where the term drop

19:32

dead comes from.

19:35

'Cause had you not had that

19:35

defibrillator in your body,

19:38

you would have been dead on the

19:38

spot.

19:40

He would have been dead.

19:41

And Heather was rubbing my legs

19:41

when it went off and she got

19:45

shocked.

19:45

And all I remember is going,

19:45

Wow,

19:48

I feel funky. And the next thing

19:48

I'm know,

19:51

she's shaking me, said, What

19:51

just happened?

19:53

And and so so three weeks later

19:53

on the nineteenth,

19:59

I sat her down and said, Honey,

20:02

I'm not gonna be here in two to

20:02

three months.

20:03

We need to finish getting ready.

20:06

We'd been to the mortuary once,

20:07

we were putting off the final

20:07

decisions 'cause we just kind of

20:11

ostriches with

20:12

our heads in the sand. But it w

20:12

had become a reality that it was

20:16

gonna happen.

20:17

Because I'd only been on the

20:17

list seven months.

20:20

And there's

20:21

Yeah.

20:22

there's twenty five or there's

20:22

twelve thousand people on that

20:26

list

20:26

at any one time, but only twenty

20:26

five hundred usable hearts

20:30

become available every

20:31

year. And so there's there's

20:35

a lot more people that need than

20:35

there are hearts.

20:37

Yeah.

20:38

And so the handwriting was on

20:38

the wall that I wasn't gonna

20:40

live long enough

20:41

to get one. And and so I of

20:41

course she's crying

20:47

her eyes out because her

20:47

soulmate had just told her that

20:50

he was gonna be gone

20:51

in a couple of months. And she

20:51

was still crying a half an hour

20:55

later when

20:56

we got that call there was a

20:56

heart available.

20:58

And so

21:02

They told us that it was a high

21:02

risk cart,

21:05

that they had found track marks

21:05

on the guy's arm where he was

21:08

had been using intravenous

21:08

drugs,

21:10

and that there was a problem

21:10

with with his kidneys.

21:13

But th I had just told my wife I

21:13

was gonna be gone in two months.

21:17

And so we had to take the flyer

21:17

on it.

21:20

And so we grabbed our little to

21:20

go bag like a pregnant couple

21:24

keeps and

21:24

out the door we went. And we

21:24

were having a huge eastern

21:29

Colorado rain

21:30

and hail storm that night. It

21:30

was

21:32

We w drove in rain and hail for

21:32

a hundred and twenty miles.

21:35

And so the water works were

21:35

going outside the car and the

21:38

water works were still

21:39

going inside the car 'cause she

21:39

had switched from crying 'cause

21:42

she

21:42

was sad to crying because she

21:42

was excited and scared.

21:45

'Cause there was a five percent

21:45

chance I could die on that

21:48

table.

21:48

And so we went kind of through

21:48

almost every human emotion a

21:53

human can

21:54

Mm-hmm.

21:55

experience

21:55

that night. And they had given

21:55

us till one thirty in the

21:59

morning to get there.

22:01

And we slipped into that parking

22:01

lot at one fifteen.

22:04

And

22:05

Mm.

22:05

so we c got in just under the

22:05

wire.

22:07

And they rolled me into the OR

22:07

at four o'clock in the morning.

22:11

And by nine o'clock the next

22:11

morning,

22:14

I had a thirty-eight year old

22:14

heart in my sixty-one year old

22:17

body.

22:17

And so they've basically given

22:17

me another twenty plus years

22:21

with my soulmate.

22:24

Yeah, second chance there,

22:24

second chance is all I can

22:27

Yes.

22:27

say. But the first question that

22:27

comes to mind though is when you

22:31

find

22:31

out that you you know you have

22:31

all these heart problems,

22:34

how do you mentally live your

22:34

life knowing that time's running

22:39

out?

22:41

Th that's tough. You know, and

22:41

and i it's fortunate that I had

22:46

Heather 'cause

22:47

I really think she was probably

22:47

the only reason I was able to

22:51

maintain my sanity.

22:52

Probably the only reason I'd

22:52

lasted three and a half years,

22:56

Mm-hmm.

22:57

to where I got the heart,

22:57

because had I not had her and

23:01

her support

23:02

and her con the connection with

23:02

her,

23:04

I probably would have given up

23:04

at two and a half years and

23:07

died.

23:07

There was a period in in early

23:11

in mid Janu or late January to

23:11

early February I of that twenty

23:15

eighteen that

23:16

I was in the hospital sixteen

23:16

days really close to death.

23:20

And but you know, sh it it was

23:20

the thought of leaving her that

23:24

kept

23:25

me fighting and kept me going.

23:27

If I wouldn't

23:28

Yeah.

23:29

have wouldn't have her, I

23:29

probably would have just rolled

23:31

over and died

23:32

at that point. In fact I they

23:32

got me good enough that they

23:36

were able to send

23:37

me home and I thought they were

23:37

sending me home to die.

23:41

'Cause I'd only been on the list

23:41

about a month at that point.

23:44

And and so I went home, I went

23:44

to bed mid-February,

23:49

and I binge watched Netflix for

23:49

two months,

23:51

just waiting to die. And then it

23:51

was one Saturday morning in

23:56

mid-April,

23:57

and I could tell it was a

23:57

gorgeous day outside.

24:00

I love the spring in in

24:00

Southeast Colorado.

24:03

Everything's green, which

24:03

usually is not a case in

24:07

Southeast Colorado desert.

24:09

And so

24:10

I sat up in bed and said, No

24:10

damn it,

24:12

I'm not gonna s lay here and

24:12

die.

24:14

If I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die

24:14

do some doing something I love.

24:18

And so I grabbed my oxygen

24:18

bottle.

24:20

I was on oxygen twenty four

24:20

hours a day.

24:22

I dragged dragged that back out

24:22

in the backyard and I started

24:26

planting

24:27

a vegetable garden. And I had my

24:27

son in law come over and rotail

24:31

me up a spot.

24:31

And and so that day it was

24:36

just a couple hours out there

24:36

and it was like five minutes of

24:39

working

24:39

and twenty minutes of setting

24:39

and sucking air.

24:42

Yeah.

24:43

But the

24:43

next day it was three or four

24:43

hours that I was out there and I

24:46

was sanding

24:46

all my shovels and painting the

24:46

handles and and getting

24:50

everything in order

24:51

so I could grow this garden. And

24:51

within four or five days I was

24:56

out there

24:56

six or seven hours a day. And

24:56

within two weeks I was

25:02

completely

25:03

off the oxygen, even at night.

25:05

because I had gotten my body

25:05

back working and gotten my lungs

25:10

back,

25:10

you know, sitting out there

25:10

going

25:11

Yeah.

25:13

and it finally got my lungs in

25:13

in the business.

25:15

And and so I basically had

25:15

worked my way into probably

25:22

the best shape I could possibly

25:22

be with my heart as bad as it

25:26

was before they dropped that I

25:26

tell people they dropped a

25:29

Ferrari engine into this

25:31

old Ford pickup.

25:34

Well

25:36

And so I was off

25:36

you've had it

25:37

I was off to the races. I

25:37

actually walked nine walked five

25:40

miles around

25:41

the unit nine days after

25:41

transplant.

25:43

And I paid for it for the next

25:43

three or four

25:47

Yeah.

25:47

days 'cause my legs were not up

25:47

to that five miles.

25:52

But y also the the fact that you

25:52

changed your attitude and just

25:56

thought,

25:57

you know what, I gotta do

25:57

something about this.

26:00

Yeah.

26:01

That's that's a huge, huge

26:01

thing.

26:03

And I don't think people realize

26:03

that attitude actually means

26:07

everything when

26:08

it comes to whether it's

26:08

physical illness or mental

26:13

illness,

26:13

like it's a huge thing.

26:16

Mm-hmm. It's a it's absolutely a

26:16

huge thing.

26:19

And and and I don't think people

26:19

realize

26:23

how important that bond with

26:23

your mate is in those

26:28

Mm-hmm.

26:29

those times too. and

26:34

and I can relate there as well.

26:35

I

26:36

I've had some medical problems

26:36

myself.

26:39

And it was when I was in my

26:39

early twenties that it started

26:43

and I couldn't hold down

26:45

a job and I was engaged at the

26:45

time.

26:48

And she could have left me so

26:48

many different times.

26:53

I was honestly I was a pro a

26:53

huge at times I was a huge pain

26:57

in the

26:57

ass to be around. And and I see

26:57

that now.

26:59

Yeah.

26:59

I didn't see it then, but she

26:59

stayed with me.

27:02

We were

27:03

honestly engaged for ten years,

27:05

but she stayed with me

27:05

throughout those ten years until

27:08

I could hold down

27:09

a job and get a house and we

27:09

could get married.

27:13

And if it wasn't for her, I

27:13

don't know where I would be.

27:16

Yeah. Yeah,

27:17

that's when you really find that

27:17

you've got a keeper.

27:20

Mm-hmm, for sure.

27:22

And and I definitely got a

27:22

keeper.

27:24

And and so, you know,

27:28

some other guy had to die so I

27:28

could live.

27:31

And that that's kind of a

27:31

burden.

27:34

and and so what it did for me

27:34

was it kicked my type

27:39

A personality into gear that I

27:39

had to honor him by paying that

27:44

blessing forward.

27:45

and

27:46

helping other people with this

27:46

extra time that I wasn't

27:49

guaranteed.

27:50

And so about three years after

27:50

the transplant,

27:55

I was still looking for how to

27:55

pay that forward.

27:58

And my own erectile dysfunction

27:58

had gotten worse.

28:02

I was getting on towards 65. And

28:02

you know,

28:05

the older you get, the less the

28:05

equipment works properly.

28:08

And I had actually developed E D

28:08

26 years ago at 44 years old.

28:15

But that first time I lost that

28:15

first erection,

28:18

I was to the doctor that next

28:18

week going,

28:20

I want that new bill blue pill,

28:22

they're advertising. And

28:24

Yeah.

28:24

thankfully it was miraculous for

28:24

me.

28:26

It let me catch a 17-year

28:26

younger wife and keep her ha

28:31

happy now for 24 years.

28:33

And but it was getting worse and

28:33

so I joined a couple

28:38

of groups for erectile

28:38

dysfunction discussion on

28:42

Facebook.

28:43

And I had found my way to pay it

28:43

forward because there were

28:46

thousands

28:47

of men and women from all over

28:47

the world,

28:49

especially third world countries

28:49

where the healthcare isn't

28:53

great,

28:53

or it's just taboo to even

28:53

discuss erectile dysfunction in

28:58

in polite company.

28:59

gave those people a place to

28:59

come.

29:02

And so I got so involved that

29:02

within three months they made me

29:05

administrator

29:06

of the larger group. And then

29:06

three months later I got made

29:09

administrator

29:10

of the smaller group.

29:11

And I grow grew those two groups

29:11

from about sixty five hundred

29:15

together then

29:16

to sixty-five thousand now, by

29:16

providing a safe place.

29:20

You know, I I kept the snake oil

29:20

salesman out and anybody that

29:24

was negative

29:25

got to get kicked out. And

29:28

Yeah.

29:29

and one of my big frustrations

29:29

was is when a woman would come

29:34

to the group,

29:35

and it was hundreds of women

29:35

over the last five years,

29:39

five, six years, that

29:42

had exactly the same story.

29:42

Their man had developed E D and

29:47

refused to

29:48

go to the doctor and do anything

29:48

about it.

29:50

And so the way he had dealt with

29:50

it was withdrawing into himself

29:54

and cutting

29:54

her off completely from any

29:54

affection.

29:57

No kissing, no hugging, no

29:57

cuddling,

29:59

nothing that would get her going

29:59

and then have him not be able to

30:03

satisfy her.

30:04

Or get himself going and not be

30:04

able to be satisfied.

30:07

And I didn't understand that

30:07

man,

30:10

'cause you remember what I did.

30:12

That first direction I lost. I

30:12

was to the doctor fixing it.

30:15

And and as you'll find out in a

30:15

little while,

30:22

I had gone into fight mode.

30:22

Well,

30:24

these guys had gone into flight

30:24

mode.

30:26

And and so, but I didn't know

30:26

that then.

30:30

I didn't know how to help these

30:30

women.

30:33

You know, all I could do is

30:33

empathize with them.

30:35

And you know, I know how you

30:35

feel,

30:37

I know that's gotta be awful.

30:39

You

30:40

know, some of them had been in

30:40

those relationships for five and

30:42

ten years

30:43

and they stayed because they

30:43

said they loved their husbands

30:46

and that,

30:46

you know, he was a good man

30:46

otherwise,

30:48

but they were just miserable

30:48

because they were they felt so

30:53

lonely.

30:53

And so I actually got Heather

30:53

and I into the course to become

30:57

certified thriving

30:59

relationship coaches just to try

30:59

to figure that man out.

31:02

I had no plans of ever being a

31:02

relationship coach,

31:06

but I needed to understand.

31:07

How to help those women get that

31:07

man to come back to him,

31:10

to them. And so one of the first

31:10

books we read was by Dr.

31:16

Sue Johnson called Hold Me

31:16

Tight.

31:18

And in it, she talks about her

31:18

attachment theory.

31:21

And her attachment theory is

31:21

that we were bred through

31:25

thousands

31:25

of years of prehistoric

31:25

evolution to have an instinct

31:29

for a strong attachment

31:30

to our mate.

31:33

And so those that didn't have it

31:33

in prehistoric times didn't

31:36

survive because

31:37

it took teamwork, you know,

31:37

between the couple and between

31:40

their village

31:41

to just survive back then. And

31:41

and so it got brought into

31:46

modern humans

31:47

as an instinct that's just as

31:47

strong as our need for food or

31:51

need for water.

31:51

And the second she went on to

31:51

say that most of the fights that

31:58

we get into as a couple are not

31:58

about what we're fighting about.

32:02

It's about the fact that that

32:02

instinct has detected a threat

32:05

to

32:05

the attachment and has thrown

32:05

the body into fight or flight

32:08

mode.

32:09

Just as if you were starving to

32:09

death or dying of thirst.

32:12

The body thinks it there's a

32:12

threat to its attachment.

32:16

And so if both parties of the

32:16

race relationship get into that

32:22

fight

32:22

or flight mode, the logical

32:22

brain,

32:25

the communicative brain, leaves

32:25

the building.

32:27

That's why all these

32:30

relationship therapists say say

32:30

you need to learn communicate

32:34

better,

32:34

don't understand that there's no

32:34

communication going on when the

32:38

lizard brains

32:39

are in control. Lizard brains

32:42

Yeah.

32:42

actually see the other partner

32:42

as the enemy of the bond.

32:45

And so they go into attack mode.

32:48

And they say things that are

32:48

mean and nasty and and are hard

32:52

to take back later.

32:54

And so if a couple stays in that

32:54

fight or flight mode often,

32:58

they start

32:59

and and don't do the repair work

32:59

afterwards,

33:02

they start doing they start

33:02

doing emotional system damage to

33:07

each other,

33:07

nervous system damage. And I

33:07

always say there's no sexual

33:12

desire without emotional

33:13

system safety, especially for

33:13

women.

33:16

And so as they s they continue

33:16

to do more and more emotional

33:21

system damage

33:22

to each other, you know, months

33:22

and years down the road,

33:26

They say we they get five years

33:26

down the road,

33:28

they say they still love each

33:28

other,

33:30

but their emotional systems are

33:30

so damaged that their their

33:34

desire can't can't

33:36

be there. And so they they they

33:38

Thank you.

33:38

have a dead bedroom. And and so

33:44

me being the fix it kind of guy

33:44

I am,

33:46

I after

33:48

Yeah.

33:48

I understood attachment theory,

33:50

I went to Heather and I said,

33:50

How do we stop triggering each

33:53

other's attachment

33:54

instincts?

33:56

And so Heather and I believe

33:56

we're building this big

33:59

beautiful marble monument

34:00

to our relationship. And each

34:00

kind word or loving gesture,

34:04

or especially when you make love

34:04

with presence and eye gazing,

34:07

you're building onto your

34:07

monument.

34:10

But each cruel word or cold

34:10

shoulder or fight you get into

34:13

is like taking

34:14

a hammer and chisel to your

34:14

monument.

34:16

Mm-hmm.

34:17

And so we decided that our

34:17

monument was our treasure,

34:21

that we needed fiercely protect

34:21

it.

34:23

That's the monument method

34:23

institute motto is fiercely

34:26

protect the monument.

34:27

You'll see it on the poster

34:27

behind me here.

34:30

And and so to fiercely protect

34:30

your monument,

34:35

you need to make the monument

34:35

more important than your ego,

34:38

and more important than winning

34:38

a fight.

34:41

And that's the hard part for us

34:41

guys,

34:43

is we've we've got to learn to

34:43

make that make the we want to

34:48

win the fight.

34:49

You we we wanna win the fight.

34:49

But we

34:50

but if you win the fight.

34:52

And you damage your monument,

34:52

you haven't won anything.

34:55

So you might as well tr try to

34:55

learn how to s stop getting into

35:00

that damage area.

35:01

And so the first thing we

35:01

thought about was,

35:05

well, we need to watch what tone

35:05

we talk to each other in.

35:08

You know, because sometimes we

35:08

talk to our loved ones like

35:11

they're

35:12

the worst person on the planet.

35:13

Or we just use you know little

35:13

flippant tones when that tone

35:18

wasn't really necessary

35:19

with each other. And so

35:21

We gave each other permission to

35:21

call each other out when we were

35:25

using tone.

35:25

You know, honey, did you really

35:25

need to say that that way?

35:28

So we started watching ourselves

35:28

on watching how we talked to

35:32

each other

35:32

and that helped, but we were

35:32

still getting into the fights

35:35

and getting into fight

35:36

or flight mode. I mean, as

35:36

amazing a relationship as

35:39

Heather and I have had,

35:41

we still could get in some

35:41

pretty decent fights.

35:44

We seem to as human beings, we

35:44

seem it's in our DNA to fight.

35:48

It's we are wired

35:50

Yes, of course.

35:50

to fight.

35:51

And and so

35:58

And so I got to thinking

35:58

further.

36:00

I said, okay, how do we stop

36:00

getting into fight or flight

36:04

altogether?

36:05

Where's the emergency break at?

36:07

And so I came up with the idea

36:07

and we gave each we we gave each

36:13

other

36:14

a sacred word and ours is

36:14

monument.

36:16

And I tell people you've got to

36:16

write this agreement when you're

36:20

sane,

36:20

so you don't rewrite it when

36:20

you're insane.

36:24

And so we made this agreement

36:24

and gave each other the sacred

36:27

word of monument.

36:28

So whenever either one of us

36:28

sees the other one heading

36:31

towards

36:31

the monument with the hammer and

36:31

chisel,

36:33

in other words, we've said

36:33

something that's gonna start a

36:36

fight,

36:36

the other one can call monument.

36:39

And that does a couple things.

36:41

First of all, it reminds us that

36:41

our monument is more important

36:45

than that fight

36:46

we're about to get into. And

36:46

secondly,

36:49

I called it the sacred word

36:49

because we made a sacred vow.

36:52

That no matter how mad we were,

36:54

if monument gets called, the

36:54

fight stops there.

36:57

And so if you stop the fight and

36:57

you're mad,

37:01

you don't separate and go away

37:01

and try to calm down,

37:04

because if you do that, then you

37:04

come back together and you're

37:07

gonna

37:07

be right back at it, right where

37:07

you were,

37:09

right headed towards the fight

37:09

or flight.

37:11

Unless, of course, you've

37:11

managed to let yourself get into

37:15

fight

37:15

or flight and you're about to

37:15

kill each other,

37:17

then yeah, you do need to

37:17

separate.

37:20

But

37:21

the idea here is to keep from

37:21

getting in fight or flight

37:23

altogether.

37:24

You cut it off before it ever

37:24

gets that far.

37:27

And so what we learned was once

37:27

monument gets called,

37:31

we turn towards each other and

37:31

come together and embrace each

37:37

other

37:38

and gaze lovingly into each

37:38

other's eyes with soft loving

37:42

eyes.

37:42

No dagger eyes don't work.

37:45

Hehehehe

37:46

You've got to use the soft

37:46

loving eyes.

37:48

And that goes in and patches

37:48

that spot on the monument that

37:51

you just chipped out.

37:52

And the science behind that is,

37:55

is that when you gaze into your

37:55

lover's eyes,

37:58

it goes into that primal brain

37:58

and tells that primal brain,

38:02

hey, your attachment is safe.

38:02

You can stand down.

38:06

And so the primal brain says,

38:06

Okay,

38:08

body, we don't need fight or

38:08

flight anymore.

38:10

And as you practice this,

38:13

And it does take practice. Like

38:13

I say,

38:15

we're wired to fight. But as you

38:15

practice it,

38:18

you get to the point where

38:18

you're it's almost instant

38:23

instantaneous that

38:24

the body stands down out of

38:24

fight or flight.

38:26

Because it you train your body,

38:29

you train your nervous system to

38:29

know that eye gazing means stand

38:33

down.

38:34

And this is going to be

38:34

important here in a little bit.

38:36

When I explain the sanctuary

38:36

bond,

38:39

which is even better than the

38:39

monument method.

38:43

And so this is what we call the

38:43

monument method.

38:46

And so as you practice it, you

38:46

start healing all that emotional

38:50

system damage that's

38:52

been done to each other over the

38:52

years.

38:53

And remember what I said,

38:53

there's no sexual desire without

38:57

emotional system safety.

38:59

So if

39:00

Mm-hmm.

39:00

you become each other's

39:00

emotional system safest place by

39:04

repeating this

39:05

and practicing it, the it allows

39:05

the desire to reblossom.

39:10

even in a decades old

39:10

relationship.

39:12

And go ahead.

39:16

I

39:17

I just I was just gonna say

39:17

interesting,

39:18

like this is this is

39:18

interesting.

39:19

I've never the I I'm just

39:19

thinking in my mind of something

39:25

like this

39:26

stopping a a a fight. And I'm

39:26

like,

39:29

man, this is something to try

39:29

out.

39:31

Yeah, yeah. It it it is amazing.

39:34

It's it's gotten to the point

39:34

where gazing into my my wife's

39:38

eyes is one

39:39

of the most pleasurable things I

39:39

ever get to do.

39:41

Because

39:43

Yeah.

39:44

we have just become so one by

39:44

doing this.

39:46

And so I had actually written

39:46

the monument method book 'cause

39:51

we built this

39:53

off of a pretty darn good

39:53

relationship.

39:54

Mm-hmm.

39:55

And so those that don't have

39:55

that darn good relationship to

39:58

start with really need

39:59

the book to teach

40:02

the steps to get to where

40:02

Heather and I are.

40:04

I've given you the key to the

40:04

door and the books are how you

40:08

go in

40:08

and remodel the house into a

40:08

refuge.

40:10

And so I had written the book

40:10

and

40:16

I was out working on one of our

40:16

carl cars last December.

40:20

And I'm a pretty decent mechanic

40:20

from my farm years.

40:24

I could I track overall track

40:24

overhauled tracture engines in

40:28

my 20s.

40:29

So I can turn a decent wrench.

40:31

But these new cars are a pain

40:31

with all their computers and

40:35

ugh.

40:35

And so I had worked on this car

40:35

for two months and finally got

40:39

it running.

40:40

And so I was so happy.

40:43

I drove it around the block,

40:43

pulled up in the driveway,

40:45

shut it off. And Heather wanted

40:45

to go visit friends.

40:49

We we made best friends with a

40:49

man who got his heart 17 days

40:52

after I got mine.

40:53

And Heather and his wife Chris

40:53

have trauma bonded.

40:57

over their heart trans hat

40:57

husbands and are closer than

41:00

sisters.

41:01

And so Heather's all excited

41:01

that she gets to go see Chris

41:04

and we load up the car.

41:06

They live a couple hundred miles

41:06

away and we all get in and we

41:10

push

41:10

the button and it's nothing.

41:10

It's just not even a light on

41:15

the dash.

41:15

It's just dead.

41:17

Did.

41:18

So you can imagine first of all

41:18

I'm disappointing Heather,

41:21

which is against my religion and

41:21

second

41:24

Yeah.

41:25

secondly

41:26

I had worked on this car two

41:26

months and I thought I had it

41:30

going and now it's not.

41:31

And so smoke starts coming out

41:31

of my ears.

41:33

I grab my multimeter and I go

41:33

and pop the hood and I check the

41:38

battery

41:38

and it's like eight and a half

41:38

volts.

41:40

Should be twelve and a half. And

41:40

so I pull the other car up

41:43

across the

41:44

across the lawn to get it close

41:44

enough so I can jump start the

41:48

the first

41:48

one and I pop the trunk on it to

41:48

get the jumper cables that I

41:52

know they're

41:52

in the trunk. I can't find them.

41:56

The reason I can't find them is

41:56

I'm so dysregulated by this

42:00

point.

42:00

So upset that I can't think

42:00

straight to move the blanket

42:04

that they're hiding under.

42:05

And so so now I'm even more

42:05

upset.

42:11

So I remember an old set that

42:11

I've got hanging in the garage

42:15

that

42:15

I'd bought like forty years ago.

42:17

And that's

42:18

Yeah.

42:19

how you can tell you're getting

42:19

old is when you can talk about

42:20

things

42:20

Yeah.

42:21

you bought forty

42:21

years ago. And so I went in and

42:21

I grabbed them off the wall.

42:25

And I carrying them out and I'm

42:25

looking at them and I'm going,

42:28

no, I left these out in the rain

42:28

too much over the years.

42:31

And they were all corroded and

42:31

nasty.

42:34

And I'm going, they're not going

42:34

to conduct any electricity.

42:37

And sure enough, I clipped them

42:37

on the other car and I clicked

42:40

the other

42:40

in together to see if there was

42:40

a spark and there was nothing.

42:43

And I grab them off the car and

42:43

I hold them over my head and

42:46

throw them

42:46

on the concrete. Well, Heather's

42:46

in the car with the hood up,

42:50

so she doesn't see me and the

42:50

windows are up.

42:54

So she doesn't hear me scream.

42:55

She's just in there playing on

42:55

her phone,

42:57

knowing her husband's gonna fix

42:57

the car.

42:59

Cause I'm the fix it guy. Well,

43:03

I I go back in the garage, find

43:03

another set of jumper cables,

43:08

come out, get it all hooked up

43:08

and get it charging,

43:12

and I walk around to the

43:12

driver's side of the door,

43:14

and I'm nearly a puddle on the

43:14

concrete,

43:16

I'm so upset. And I open that

43:16

door and picture this a

43:20

sixty-nine year

43:21

old man crawling in on his hands

43:21

and knees.

43:23

on the driver's side seat and I

43:23

get like eight inches from

43:26

Heather's face and say,

43:27

I need a monument. And darned if

43:27

the second her eyes met mine,

43:34

that anger just went gone.

43:37

disappeared.

43:38

Gone. I I it shocked me because

43:38

I was expecting her to help me

43:42

calm down some,

43:43

but it was just gone. And and

43:43

then like I said,

43:47

it was because we had trained

43:47

our nervous systems that eye

43:51

gazing meant stand down.

43:54

And even though it was just me

43:54

that was upset it,

43:56

we weren't fighting or anything,

43:57

it had the exact same effect.

43:57

And so all of a sudden there was

44:01

another book

44:02

to write. We're calling this the

44:02

Sanctuary Bond,

44:04

because I realized how powerful

44:04

it was.

44:09

the first thing I told her was,

44:12

You have my permission. Anytime

44:12

you see me sp upset at all,

44:16

you can come and monument me and

44:16

get me to calm down.

44:19

And so we made that agreement

44:19

with each other that we could do

44:23

that.

44:24

And and so I'm gonna get a

44:24

little traditional here,

44:27

because I'm kind of a

44:27

traditional guy.

44:29

I might get myself in trouble.

44:31

But

44:32

Hehehehehe

44:33

let's say she's in the kitchen

44:33

cooking supper for the family

44:37

and he's been

44:38

out in the world all day and

44:38

that world has just been really

44:41

mean to him that day.

44:42

And he comes in that door and

44:42

he's in full on fight or flight

44:47

mode.

44:47

and and she traditionally she

44:47

would see that and maybe hide in

44:52

the kitchen.

44:54

hoping he would calm down, or

44:54

worse yet,

44:57

come and engage with him, and

44:57

now all of a sudden she's in

45:00

fight or flight mode

45:01

and the outside world has

45:01

brought its hammer and chisel in

45:04

and is going

45:05

at their monument. And so in

45:05

that case they're likely to

45:09

bicker all evening long

45:11

and go to bed mad and roll over

45:11

and get a fitful night's sleep.

45:15

And then he's gotta wake up the

45:15

next morning and face that mean

45:18

world again

45:19

exhausted. Well now with the

45:19

sanctuary bond

45:23

She sees him dysregulated and

45:23

with his permission,

45:27

like I say, you write the write

45:27

it when you're sane so you don't

45:30

rewrite

45:31

it when you're insane. She comes

45:31

to him with his permission and

45:34

gives

45:34

him the monument, gets him

45:34

calmed down in instantly.

45:37

And so now they have a wonderful

45:37

evening together.

45:41

They go go to bed happy, likely

45:41

share some wonderful love

45:45

making,

45:45

go to sleep, get a good night's

45:45

sleep,

45:49

and he wakes up refreshed and

45:49

ready to tackle that mean world

45:51

again

45:52

the next morning.

45:53

And not only that, but as they

45:53

pr as you practice this,

45:58

if you implement it into your

45:58

whole life and you practice it

46:01

over and over

46:01

all all day long every day, you

46:01

get to the point where you keep

46:05

each other

46:05

out of fight or flight mode. And

46:05

fight or flight mode is where

46:09

you're making

46:09

all those stress chemicals,

46:13

stress stress hormones that are

46:13

slowly killing us all.

46:16

So you're gonna make each other

46:16

live longer by

46:20

by developing this relationship

46:20

that becomes a refuge from all

46:24

the crazy

46:25

in the world. And I think that's

46:25

what we really all want out of a

46:28

relationship

46:29

as a re a place that's home. A

46:29

place that you can come to and

46:33

Yeah.

46:33

recharge without it being

46:33

another battlefield or no

46:36

something else

46:37

you have to manage. And and so

46:37

the the third thing that happens

46:43

is as you do this more and more,

46:45

you you get to be each other's

46:45

nervous system's safest place.

46:50

And

46:51

so that desire can just go

46:51

crazy.

46:52

Even

46:54

Yeah.

46:55

in decades-old relationships.

46:55

Heather and I once we started

46:59

discovered

47:00

it and started implementing it,

47:02

we found ourselves doing what I

47:02

call microsanctuary moments.

47:05

Where we'll traditionally we

47:05

would walk by the hall and touch

47:08

and be affectionate.

47:09

Well now we stop and gaze into

47:09

each other's eyes as well,

47:13

just making that connection for

47:13

a couple of seconds.

47:15

Or when we're talking about what

47:15

bill we're gonna pay next.

47:19

Instead of just talking about

47:19

it,

47:20

we're we find ourselves

47:20

connecting during that.

47:23

Yeah.

47:24

And I tell you,

47:27

she I I had been really upset

47:27

one day and she'd came gave me g

47:33

got I

47:33

you know I've been using chat

47:33

GPT to help me write all the

47:37

books and

47:38

and make build all the websites

47:38

and everything I'm doing.

47:41

Mm-hmm.

47:42

And he's the most broken piece

47:42

of $200 a month software I've

47:46

ever used.

47:47

And

47:49

So he gets me upset often. And

47:49

she can come.

47:52

Yeah.

47:53

I

47:53

would not I would not be here

47:53

had we not discovered the

47:56

sanctuary bond because

47:57

I would have given up on this

47:57

project a long time ago if

48:01

Yeah.

48:01

I hadn't been for Heather's

48:01

ability to come get me calmed

48:03

back down,

48:04

get my logical brain back in the

48:04

business and and be able to be

48:08

productive.

48:09

And so she had done that, and I

48:09

can remember sitting in my

48:12

office chair with

48:13

my hands around her waist.

48:14

and she was standing in front of

48:14

me and I looked up at her and I

48:17

said,

48:17

You're making me feel like a

48:17

giddy schoolboy.

48:19

At sixty nine years old I was

48:19

feeling like a giddy schoolboy

48:24

with my wife.

48:25

So it it it's just been really

48:25

amazing.

48:29

And and another little aside is

48:35

Because we've done this and

48:35

we've practiced it and made it

48:39

to where it's virtually

48:41

almost automatic now. we've got

48:41

grandchildren that Heather loves

48:46

to

48:46

go see the grandkids, so she's

48:46

time sometimes

48:48

Mm-hmm.

48:48

gone for three or four hours in

48:48

a day going and seeing the kids.

48:51

and and so one day I was really

48:51

upset

48:58

by something Chat GPT had done.

49:00

And

49:03

You know, I'm not a cussing man,

49:04

but there's been times he had me

49:04

bouncing in my chair cussing at

49:07

him.

49:07

Yeah. That's that's technology.

49:09

That's technology. It's a love

49:09

hate relationship for sure.

49:12

Yeah. And so she wasn't there to

49:12

give me monument to get me to

49:17

settle down.

49:18

And so I I just said to myself,

49:21

I wonder and so I closed my eyes

49:21

and

49:24

and imagined myself gazing into

49:24

her eyes.

49:29

And darned if it didn't work.

49:29

That

49:33

Anger just went because we had

49:33

trained ourselves that even

49:38

my my imagining gazing into her

49:38

eyes was enough to get me

49:42

settled back down.

49:43

And so that can be used in all

49:43

parts of life when you're apart

49:47

from each other.

49:48

You can re and I think that also

49:48

really helps build that bond

49:53

even more because

49:55

you know your your lover is your

49:55

safest place,

49:58

the place you run to when you

49:58

need to.

50:02

Yes, for sure. And it's and and

50:02

I I love the part where

50:08

you just get to and it this

50:08

happens though after being in a

50:12

relationship

50:13

for too long so long is when you

50:13

are explaining the guy walking

50:17

in

50:17

and home after work and he was

50:17

already in fight or flight mode.

50:20

It doesn't take long for my wife

50:20

or me to figure that out about

50:25

the other person.

50:26

There's

50:27

Mm-hmm.

50:28

something's going on.

50:29

Yeah.

50:31

And so now you know how to take

50:31

care of it.

50:33

So

50:36

Yeah.

50:37

And I would

50:38

I I own

50:38

I you know this I haven't really

50:38

developed anything that didn't

50:43

already exist

50:44

Exist yeah.

50:45

except that

50:45

that one little missing link of

50:45

the emergency break on fights.

50:49

And

50:51

Yeah.

50:52

what once you can pull that

50:52

emergency break and you practice

50:54

it,

50:54

then it can can blossom into

50:54

that refuge.

51:00

Yeah. And I would I'd love to if

51:00

you don't care,

51:03

to kind of go back to I have

51:03

just a few questions about like

51:07

your sobriety time.

51:08

Okay. Okay.

51:10

Do you feel like when you

51:10

started drinking,

51:13

were you trying to escape or or

51:13

numb when that alcohol became a

51:16

part of your life?

51:18

yeah. I you know,

51:21

I was a really conscientious

51:21

person.

51:23

I thought I was helping these

51:23

people.

51:25

you know, I I I thought actually

51:25

the the finances

51:32

on that company showed that it

51:32

would they were gonna do amazing

51:35

things.

51:35

The

51:36

Mm-hmm.

51:36

stock should should skyrocket at

51:36

at some point.

51:39

They were lying on the

51:39

financials.

51:41

And so but

51:46

even though that was something

51:46

external that I did had no

51:50

control over,

51:50

my conscientiousness

51:50

internalized that as my fault.

51:55

I had lost those people those

51:55

money.

51:57

And that was really hard for me

51:57

to take.

51:59

Just like I internalized the

51:59

fact that I had failed as a

52:04

farmer,

52:04

even though it was an external

52:04

thing that caused that failure.

52:08

I took it on because I was I was

52:08

such a type A perfectionist

52:13

at that point that

52:16

I just couldn't handle the fact

52:16

that I had bailed at something.

52:19

And so yeah, the the vodka was

52:19

the way I was able to escape

52:24

that that guilt

52:26

feeling and and the the failure

52:26

feeling.

52:29

And it was a really bad way to

52:29

bad,

52:32

bad way to escape it. Because it

52:32

all c you know,

52:36

it it it was still there the

52:36

next morning when you sobered

52:40

up.

52:42

Yeah,

52:43

yeah, when it's

52:43

You didn't

52:43

really escape it, you just

52:43

actually you know,

52:45

it it's something that actually

52:45

makes the problem worse.

52:49

Every time you tip that bottle

52:49

up,

52:52

it the problem gets worse.

52:55

Yeah, and so you

52:56

Mm-hmm.

52:57

Yeah, you were you're almost

52:57

like to me,

53:00

in my mind, drinking to avoid

53:00

what was going on with the

53:05

company.

53:06

Right.

53:07

And so what what did when you

53:07

got sober,

53:10

what did getting sober force you

53:10

to confront about yourself that

53:14

drinking allowed

53:14

you to avoid?

53:18

well, like I say, during the the

53:18

the rehab the six weeks of rehab

53:23

I learned

53:23

a lot of tools for and

53:25

Mm-hmm.

53:26

and you know, I I it was it was

53:26

some rough time working on

53:30

myself,

53:30

you know, dealing with going

53:30

back and

53:35

and realizing that those weren't

53:35

my fault and you know,

53:40

I there was nothing I could have

53:40

done but I

53:43

I did choose a really bad day

53:43

way to deal with it.

53:46

And but one thing that a and

53:46

this you're gonna find this

53:50

interesting because

53:52

this is this is why I understood

53:52

the attachment instinct

53:58

so much is because when I was

53:58

starting trying to get sober,

54:02

I actually went to Alcamo was

54:02

going to several a AA meetings

54:07

and

54:07

I had actually picked out a

54:07

sponsor that was a army vet that

54:11

had

54:13

that had been sober twenty one

54:13

years.

54:15

He was in a wheelchair. And I I

54:15

decided I was gonna ask him to

54:19

be my sponsor.

54:20

And so I go into meeting to a

54:20

meeting one Monday night and

54:24

he's not there.

54:25

And they announced that he had

54:25

fallen off the wagon and gotten

54:29

drunk

54:29

and drank himself to death over

54:29

the weekend.

54:32

And d that hit me right between

54:32

the eyes because

54:36

Yeah, that's rough.

54:38

it was rough because to me

54:41

I all of a sudden saw all these

54:41

guys that were hanging on to the

54:45

sobriety with their

54:46

bare knuckles, their bare white

54:46

knuckles.

54:48

You know, anytime you could tell

54:48

to the day that it's been,

54:52

you know, 7822 days since I've

54:57

Mm-hmm.

54:58

been sober, you're obsessing

54:58

maybe a little bit.

55:00

And so you weren't really

55:00

dealing with the the causes of

55:04

that alcoholism.

55:05

You were just hanging on to the

55:05

sobriety.

55:08

And so I actually

55:11

Quick going day A, and so now I

55:11

had to figure out another way to

55:14

get sober.

55:15

And so I I f I stumbled on a

55:15

really obscure book called

55:20

Rational Recovery.

55:21

And in it I call it the thinking

55:21

man's way of getting sober.

55:26

Because in it, it described how

55:26

alcohol goes into your primal

55:32

brain

55:32

and makes itself an instinct

55:32

that's just as strong as your

55:36

need for food

55:37

or need for water or need for

55:37

sex.

55:39

In fact it

55:40

a lot of times that need is

55:40

stronger than those other needs.

55:43

The alcohol will overpower your

55:43

other needs.

55:47

You know, people quit eating and

55:47

and get dehydrated and quit

55:52

having

55:53

sex with their partner. And and

55:53

so once I understood that,

55:59

then I underst all of a sudden

55:59

understood that I could use my

56:04

logical brain

56:05

to overrule that primal brain.

56:06

Because what

56:08

What the primal brain does when

56:08

you try to get sober,

56:11

it goes and whispers in your

56:11

ear,

56:13

dude, you're gonna die if you

56:13

don't get your alcohol.

56:16

Just like that man that withdrew

56:16

after he got

56:21

Yeah.

56:22

ED, that primal brain said,

56:22

dude,

56:24

you're gonna lose your woman.

56:28

And and so that that really,

56:33

you know, helped me understand

56:33

the attachment instinct really

56:36

well.

56:37

Because I was able to get sober

56:37

using the the overruling the

56:42

primal brain with

56:43

my logical brain. You know, I

56:43

wasn't perfect at it,

56:46

'cause like I said, I was going

56:46

six,

56:48

eight months at a time and then

56:48

having weekend binges and for

56:52

for three

56:53

or four years. In fact, I don't

56:53

think I got completely sober

56:57

until about three

56:58

years into Heather and I's

56:58

relationship.

57:00

And I I still think even though

57:00

we didn't know what we were

57:04

doing back then,

57:05

I think the eye gazing

57:06

was what helped me finally calm

57:06

my nervous system to the point

57:10

that I

57:11

was able to leave the alcohol

57:11

behind.

57:13

Stop. And that makes sense.

57:15

So I really attribute

57:15

her to be me being able to

57:15

finally get sober.

57:18

And and and you know that's

57:18

that's I I am planning

57:24

a book on the monument method

57:24

for alcoholism because,

57:28

you know, that's one of the

57:28

things that that the partner of

57:31

alcohol alcoholic

57:32

is always going is how can I

57:32

help?

57:34

Well they can help

57:36

by trying to build that safe

57:36

relationship,

57:40

become that person's safest

57:40

place.

57:43

To where all of a sudden it it

57:43

can ease that that pain that

57:49

he's

57:49

trying to avoid, or he or she,

57:51

I you know, women can be

57:51

alcoholics too.

57:54

And but it can ease that pain

57:54

and eventually it

58:00

can lead to healing.

58:02

that's the that's the beauty of

58:02

it.

58:03

as I've looked at all the ways

58:03

that this can help.

58:07

I'm planning a book I I just

58:07

finished the book for Monument

58:11

Method

58:11

for Long Term Illness. it's not

58:11

published yet 'cause Amazon's

58:16

being a pain

58:17

in the buck but but I've I've

58:17

rewritten a lot of my books

58:21

'cause I

58:22

my early books were kind of

58:22

rudimentary and I they've

58:25

matured a lot.

58:26

So I've got second editions

58:28

Mm-hmm.

58:28

out for a lot of my books now.

58:29

And

58:31

And and Amazon's only letting me

58:31

put out two a week and I've got

58:36

like eight

58:37

or ten ready to go.

58:38

Yeah. Yeah.

58:39

And and but I see a a monument

58:39

method

58:45

for parenting because we really

58:45

don't connect with our our

58:49

children.

58:49

You know I raised four with my

58:49

first wife and raised three with

58:54

Heather.

58:54

When I got with Heather she had

58:54

a two,

58:56

four, and eight year old. So

58:56

I've raised a second family with

59:00

her and

59:01

A lot of parenting was just, you

59:01

know,

59:04

directing them which way to go

59:04

and what to do.

59:07

And you know, you n as a parent,

59:10

I never deliberately stopped and

59:10

connected with my children.

59:15

Well yeah, and I

59:16

feel like nowadays you have to

59:16

be deliberate about it.

59:19

You have to make that time

59:19

because we have so many

59:22

distractions.

59:24

Mhm. Exactly. And you know, it's

59:24

I I I am practicing it with my

59:29

granddaughters now.

59:31

They know when they come to

59:31

visit grandpa,

59:33

the very first thing they do is

59:33

come in monument with grandpa

59:37

and make that

59:37

Yeah.

59:38

connection and know that I'm

59:38

their safe place.

59:39

And and so it it it it's pretty

59:39

amazing to

59:45

s because they act out a lot at

59:45

home,

59:48

but they don't act

59:49

Mm-hmm.

59:49

out too much with grandpa and

59:49

grandma.

59:50

you know, 'cause

59:53

I I've made the connection with

59:53

them and they're they feel calm

59:57

when

59:57

th they calm down when they get

59:57

to grandma and grandpa's so

1:00:01

Love it.

1:00:01

Well after after you know, heart

1:00:01

problems,

1:00:05

your transplant sobriety and

1:00:05

everything you've seen through

1:00:09

your career,

1:00:10

what do you now believe

1:00:10

resilience actually is?

1:00:15

I I you know, I've like I told

1:00:15

you was before the show,

1:00:19

I've done a hundred and

1:00:19

forty-five or so podcasts in the

1:00:22

last three months.

1:00:23

And so it I've been asked this

1:00:23

question a lot,

1:00:26

so it's given me a lot of time

1:00:26

to reflect over it and figure it

1:00:30

because

1:00:30

if on paper you might expect

1:00:30

expect to meet a bitter old man,

1:00:35

because life has not been very

1:00:35

kind to me.

1:00:38

But I as I look back over it

1:00:42

I realized what had happened

1:00:42

was,

1:00:44

and it wasn't anything I really

1:00:44

did on purpose,

1:00:46

it was just kind of built into

1:00:46

me,

1:00:48

but you can do it on purpose, is

1:00:48

the fact that I was always more

1:00:53

grateful

1:00:55

for what I still had over bitter

1:00:55

than for what I had lost.

1:01:00

And so that gratefulness is what

1:01:00

allowed me to get up every

1:01:05

morning and

1:01:06

put one foot in front of the

1:01:06

other one and walk my way out of

1:01:10

whatever.

1:01:12

rebuilding I was doing. I I was

1:01:12

on a podcast called Game of Fi

1:01:17

Business Tavern

1:01:18

and it's kind of a gaming themed

1:01:18

podcast and he said,

1:01:21

Galen, you're a real live real

1:01:21

live RPG player.

1:01:25

You've had like six character

1:01:25

wipes in your Yeah.

1:01:31

It's what it sounds like.

1:01:31

And it has. It's it and and but

1:01:31

I I think

1:01:37

we can purposefully work on

1:01:37

being grateful.

1:01:41

for the things we have in our

1:01:41

life.

1:01:43

And you know, life ain't gonna

1:01:43

be perfect.

1:01:47

But like you said earlier,

1:01:51

attitude means so much in in how

1:01:51

we deal with it.

1:01:57

Yes, yes it does. Well and if

1:01:57

you think about the going back

1:02:01

to your transplant,

1:02:02

I I believe a lot of people

1:02:02

think that's it is a happy

1:02:06

ending,

1:02:07

but it's it I feel like there's

1:02:07

a lot that people still don't

1:02:12

understand about

1:02:14

the the progress you have to

1:02:14

make after

1:02:16

Mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah, because

1:02:16

yeah,

1:02:19

You get the transplant.

1:02:19

i you know, in one way it's like

1:02:19

often I've

1:02:26

I've thought, God, why did you

1:02:26

keep me around to watch what's

1:02:29

going

1:02:30

on in my country?

1:02:32

Hehehehehe.

1:02:36

'cause it's crazy out there,

1:02:36

guys.

1:02:39

And but that's the beauty of it

1:02:39

is Heather Heather is my refuge

1:02:43

from that crazy.

1:02:46

No matter how bad things get,

1:02:46

she is the place I can go run

1:02:50

and hide and be safe.

1:02:51

And you know I know one host

1:02:51

asked me,

1:02:57

Well, isn't that kind of

1:02:57

codependent?

1:02:59

And I said, Well, yeah, that's a

1:02:59

healthy codependence.

1:03:01

When you use your spouse as as

1:03:01

your safe place,

1:03:06

yeah, it's it's it's a healthy

1:03:06

codep it's a codependence

1:03:11

Yeah.

1:03:11

on purpose. And that's why I say

1:03:11

this whole

1:03:14

Yep, for sure.

1:03:14

thing, the whole thing I've

1:03:14

dealt

1:03:16

built is something you do on

1:03:16

purpose because we float through

1:03:20

life

1:03:20

and throat float through

1:03:20

relationships and don't have any

1:03:26

any purpose

1:03:26

a lot of times and so I I I like

1:03:26

to say God told us that the two

1:03:31

shall become one.

1:03:33

Galen just is has written the

1:03:33

how to manual

1:03:40

Nice. Nice. And then but for any

1:03:40

so for people that may be

1:03:45

struggling that

1:03:46

are listening to this episode,

1:03:47

what do you want them to

1:03:47

understand about rebuilding a

1:03:52

life after a crisis?

1:03:54

Okay,

1:03:55

well the first of all we deal

1:03:55

all need to understand that the

1:03:59

greatest gift this

1:04:01

life has to offer is a strong

1:04:01

romantic,

1:04:04

sexual, friendship, and

1:04:04

spiritual bond with one person

1:04:10

who you choose daily, and that

1:04:10

choose daily is so important.

1:04:14

You choose daily to become

1:04:14

incredibly one with.

1:04:17

And that no matter what's going

1:04:17

on in the outside world around

1:04:22

you.

1:04:22

If you keep that as your North

1:04:22

Star,

1:04:25

if you keep that as if any

1:04:25

decision you have to make,

1:04:28

does this protect that bond? Or

1:04:28

does this move me towards having

1:04:34

that bond?

1:04:34

You can't go too far wrong. you

1:04:34

know,

1:04:38

a lot of times we make decisions

1:04:38

because this is gonna be more

1:04:41

money.

1:04:41

But if it destroys the bond it's

1:04:41

gonna leave you

1:04:47

sad and and lonely in the end.

1:04:49

And you know I y

1:04:52

You see a lot of women

1:04:52

especially will look at the old

1:04:56

couple that that

1:04:57

are like in their nineties and

1:04:57

they're still holding hands and

1:05:00

walking down

1:05:00

the road and they go, that's

1:05:00

what I want Well,

1:05:03

you gotta work at it to get

1:05:03

there.

1:05:07

Mm-hmm.

1:05:08

For sure. Well and one more

1:05:08

question here about like the

1:05:12

relationship side

1:05:14

of things.

1:05:15

Okay.

1:05:16

sorry I'm kind of bouncing back

1:05:16

and forth.

1:05:17

It's just the way my brain

1:05:17

works.

1:05:19

You're fine. Hey, I'm right

1:05:19

there with you,

1:05:21

So you've

1:05:24

buddy.

1:05:24

you've worked with, you know,

1:05:24

quite a few people to men and

1:05:27

couples and

1:05:28

Mm-hmm.

1:05:29

is there something specific that

1:05:29

you see men struggling with

1:05:32

emotionally that they

1:05:34

find hard to admit?

1:05:36

I I think I think men have a

1:05:36

hard time because especially

1:05:42

because

1:05:42

of our society has told us we

1:05:42

have to be tough and have to be

1:05:47

invincible

1:05:48

and so we have a hard time

1:05:48

softening for our lover.

1:05:53

I I I have we with

1:05:59

the Monument Method Institute we

1:05:59

have re re sorry

1:06:05

We have released our first two

1:06:05

singles,

1:06:07

Fiercely Protect the Monument

1:06:07

and The Sanctuary Bond Soft With

1:06:13

You.

1:06:13

You can find them out on all the

1:06:13

music platforms.

1:06:17

I've got a YouTube channel with

1:06:17

them.

1:06:20

and I'm actually working on the

1:06:20

music video to Fiercely Protect

1:06:25

the Monument now.

1:06:26

I'm about two minutes and

1:06:26

forty-five seconds into it and

1:06:31

I've fought every inch

1:06:32

of the way.

1:06:33

with chat GPT. It it's taken me

1:06:33

like four days to get two do

1:06:39

two minutes and forty five

1:06:39

seconds.

1:06:41

So I will have paid for this

1:06:41

with blood.

1:06:44

But but they really I I say to

1:06:44

fiercely protect

1:06:51

the monument and the sanctuary

1:06:51

bond soft with is Heather and

1:06:54

I's love story,

1:06:55

in a song. And so guys go out

1:06:55

and find them,

1:06:59

share around. let's make go

1:06:59

viral.

1:07:03

'cause first of all, we're

1:07:03

getting we're kinda in the

1:07:06

starving artist phase

1:07:07

of the Monument Methodist

1:07:07

Institute.

1:07:09

we've got thirty four books in

1:07:09

print,

1:07:12

but they're not selling really

1:07:12

well yet.

1:07:14

I you know, sometimes I think I

1:07:14

give away a little too much

1:07:18

in these podcasts because people

1:07:18

are going off and doing it

1:07:22

without buying my books.

1:07:24

So you know.

1:07:34

Y ye yeah, Monument Meth

1:07:34

Monument Method Institute is my

1:07:38

main site

1:07:40

and if you go there you can

1:07:40

there'll be a a thumbnail

1:07:46

for Fiercely Protect the

1:07:46

Monument that'll take you to our

1:07:49

YouTube songs.

1:07:50

And you can it's got links to

1:07:50

all my Amazon books.

1:07:55

It's got a link to our coaching.

1:07:58

Heather and I do ninety minute

1:07:58

quick start sessions with

1:08:02

couples.

1:08:04

In fact, I'm gonna give you a

1:08:04

we'll give your listeners a

1:08:08

hundred dollar

1:08:09

off coupon with the the code

1:08:09

overcome.

1:08:12

And if they go to go and book

1:08:12

they can click on it,

1:08:16

look at Heather and I's schedule

1:08:16

and book themselves the ninety

1:08:20

minute session

1:08:21

and use Overcome as as a hundred

1:08:21

dollar off coupon.

1:08:24

And we've all I've also written

1:08:24

four books,

1:08:28

four dating books, Monument Man

1:08:28

and Monument Woman for the older

1:08:32

couple that's

1:08:34

getting out that's had a failed

1:08:34

relationship trying to get into

1:08:37

this crazy dating

1:08:38

world we've got today. Heather

1:08:38

and I feel like we hit the

1:08:41

lottery because

1:08:41

we were the first one to eat

1:08:41

each other dated.

1:08:44

And the the the others are

1:08:50

man before the monument and

1:08:50

woman before the monument for

1:08:53

the sixteen

1:08:53

to twenty five year old crowd.

1:08:55

And their their dating world is

1:08:55

even crazier with all the swipe

1:08:59

culture

1:09:00

and the dating apps and it's

1:09:00

just

1:09:03

I I hear they're walking away

1:09:03

from dating completely.

1:09:06

And and and so I w wrote those

1:09:06

books in a

1:09:12

way that they get taught the

1:09:12

monument method and sanctuary

1:09:15

bond in the books.

1:09:16

And they get to the end of the

1:09:16

book and they say,

1:09:18

Okay, this is great, but where

1:09:18

do I find somebody to build a

1:09:22

monument with?

1:09:23

And so I almost had to do it. I

1:09:23

I built the monument validated

1:09:28

person

1:09:29

MVP dating site. And as part of

1:09:29

my

1:09:33

pay it forward from my heart

1:09:33

transplant,

1:09:34

I've made it free forever. I'm

1:09:34

never gonna charge for it.

1:09:37

And you've have to have read one

1:09:37

of the books and pass a quiz.

1:09:41

And actually most of the people

1:09:41

that have watched this episode

1:09:45

should probably pass

1:09:47

that quiz. It's not rocket

1:09:47

science.

1:09:48

But then you've got to agree

1:09:48

that you're there to to build a

1:09:53

monument monument with

1:09:54

somebody, not for casual dating.

1:09:57

And so it's my anti hookup

1:09:57

dating site.

1:10:02

Because we have too many hookup

1:10:02

dating sites.

1:10:05

Yeah. And and that's part of the

1:10:05

problem with

1:10:10

our society these days is our

1:10:10

society tells us that

1:10:15

relationship should

1:10:17

be built on chemistry. That

1:10:17

chemistry is where it's at,

1:10:21

and that's the most important

1:10:21

thing.

1:10:22

Well, traditional relationship

1:10:22

therapy says that

1:10:28

the romance phase lasts six

1:10:28

months to two years.

1:10:33

So, a relationship that's built

1:10:33

on chemistry,

1:10:35

that's why you see so many

1:10:35

relationships that end in six

1:10:39

months to two years.

1:10:40

Because they built it on

1:10:40

chemistry and didn't build

1:10:43

the structure structure

1:10:43

underneath it.

1:10:45

And so the monument method in

1:10:45

Sanctuary Bond lets you build

1:10:48

that structure

1:10:49

underneath the a relationship.

1:10:51

The the chemistry is necessary

1:10:51

to get us together.

1:10:54

I mean, it that attraction has

1:10:54

to be there.

1:10:57

But then to the way you keep in

1:10:57

romance stays.

1:11:00

phase the rest of your life is

1:11:00

to work on building the

1:11:04

structure underneath it.

1:11:16

Yeah, one of my golden rules is

1:11:16

the number one thing that a

1:11:21

woman needs

1:11:22

in a relationship to be happy is

1:11:22

to feel cherished.

1:11:26

And the other side of that coin

1:11:26

same coin is the number one

1:11:30

thing that

1:11:31

a man needs to be happy in a

1:11:31

relationship is to be respected.

1:11:35

And so that that's the beauty of

1:11:35

it.

1:11:38

If you get get disbonded to each

1:11:38

other,

1:11:42

that

1:11:43

Cherishing and it and respecting

1:11:43

just happens naturally.

1:12:12

You're so welcome. It's been my

1:12:12

honor to be here,

1:12:15

Travis.