Traumatic Brain Injury Recovery & Mental Health Advocacy | Nicholas Ruchlewicz

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Hello and welcome to Overcome a Mental Health Podcast.

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I'm your host, Travis White.

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This is a place for you to share your mental health stories.

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I'm very excited for tonight's guests.

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I'm speaking with Nicholas Ruklevic.

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Nicholas is a trauma and brain injury survivor and also a mental health advocate.

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Welcome to the show, Nicholas.

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Thank you very much, Travis.

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I appreciate you having me on.

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all the pleasures all mine and without wasting any time I'm just going to hand the

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microphone over to you and let you tell us about your journey.

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Perfect, well thank you.

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My journey with, well my journey with mental health actually happened I guess in 2010.

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Some of my life who was suffering from an ailment and I wanted to go to a therapist.

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How do I help?

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I need to help this person, I need help this person.

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And then I found out how to help myself through it.

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And that was something that was...

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I was never expecting, which gave me the courage to kind of take those next steps into

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whatever I needed to do.

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But then, on March 15th, 2016, I was in a motorcycle crash, single vehicle motorcycle

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crash.

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So on the Ides of March on the brain injury awareness month, so I did a double jeopardy.

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Separated my pelvic circle, broken my sacroiliac, crushed my left orbital.

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Masculine Cushion Right Side Brain Bleed Subderma Hematoma.

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So I would say just a little bit of trauma.

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I live in uh outside of the Washington DC area, so I was taken to the area's only level

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one trauma center in Fairfax.

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Went right up into the trauma unit.

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They were concerned that with the facial injury that the bone was going to pierce the

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brain.

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Fortunately, it

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You know, I did not, but I was definitely not, I was not in good shape.

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I was never in a coma, but I was never technically unconscious.

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I was responsive at the scene.

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I would moan or make noise.

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Fortunately, none of my, none of my family saw me.

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The only one that was there was the, officer that called the paramedics.

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So fortunately my family never had to see me in that circumstance.

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I went right up into the unit and I didn't, like I said, didn't have to have brain

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surgery, but I wasn't aware of anything.

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They had to do facial reconstruction on me.

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They had to, I would say that movie Face Off's full of crap.

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They had to pull my face down, redo my eye socket.

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And yeah, it wasn't fun.

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It wasn't easy.

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Every brain injury is different.

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It's something I am very...

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Aware of now that every injury is very different from each person, know One person can

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have this happen to them and completely different results.

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So right side is where my injury happened So right side is left side.

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So generally you can't have the feeling or certain ammo, you know Difficulties on the

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opposite side of your brain, but also how your vision works is right side

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Your compulsivity, your understanding, your problem solving is generally right side as

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well.

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And I say that because I was non-weight bearing for 12 weeks, but I also had staples

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across my head, holding my face together.

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And I didn't know I shouldn't do certain things because again, that was compulsory.

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So I would immediately, when they didn't tie my hands down, I pulled the intubator out.

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staples out of my head.

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One time I stood up in, stood up out of the bed and then they I ended up breaking the

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sutures in my pelvis and that was a plate holding me together so I'm never coming apart.

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But I was taken to, I basically I always say I woke up when I was taken to a

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rehabilitation hospital and that's where I had to relearn how to do so much and

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getting up in there, seeing two of everything, it was very, very intimidating.

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you know, every, every brain injury is different.

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Every injury is different.

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And the hospital has, you know, different types of therapy going through.

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So I went to acute rehab facility where they have, where they treat brain and spinal cord

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injuries.

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They have what's called occupational therapy, speech therapy, and physical therapy.

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And

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I always say the first person I went to see was my speech therapist and that was probably

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I was lucky that was the first one because I had no idea how hard it was gonna be.

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I I said to her, she said and I said I can speak fine, I don't know why you're talking

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like this, I just can't stand, I just can't walk and I didn't realize how much was going

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on that I didn't know and that was really hard.

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It was terrifying and

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I remember being very upset with her and just very upset in general, stopped treating me

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like a child, stopped.

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And when she left, I just cried and I cried and I cried.

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So I learned a lot, like I said, before my accident, fortunately, my crash about myself

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and mental health.

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I learned that anger, they call it a secondary emotion and anger can only come out of one

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of three ways, crying, yelling.

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physical that's just how it works and for me my triggers are Being belittled and

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frustrated.

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I don't know how much more belittling or frustrating is not be able to sit stand Think eat

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etc.

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So it was very It was very tough.

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So that was where I had to really had to relearn how to basically they say reborn but

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It doesn't take long to reset everything and then trying to regain it is pretty tough.

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ah

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imagine.

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Sorry, go ahead.

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It's all crazy to me because I've never had to deal with anything like this.

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It's all good.

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appreciate it.

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mean, it's, um, you know, nobody, we don't know what we're going through until it happens.

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It's just kind of how it is.

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And, you know, there is no way that we could find ourselves, you know, can they go through

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this?

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It's just how we get through anything in life.

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mean, human beings, for some reason, they only succeed when they go through struggles and

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trials.

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It's just how humanity works.

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It sucks, but it's just part of the facts.

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Um, and

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Yeah, so I had to, again, try to learn to calm down and take things in during my, when I

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was over at the trauma unit in the intensive care unit, you know, I was never cognizant.

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So I wasn't aware of certain things, but my girlfriend would play my, my heavy metal music

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station and the nurse and stuff looked like she's crazy, but it was actually really

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interesting.

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So.

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When I was going through pain spikes, which I call it now being uncomfortable, because

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they say pain has too much power over you, word.

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So I just call it being uncomfortable.

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It's one way I've learned to kind of manage my pain management.

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But anyhow, so when she played my music, my literally blood pressure would lower.

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Like it's crazy how it does.

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And so I say that because through my journey, you know, going through the hospital and

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then obviously going out, music has always been such a wonderful way for me to kind of

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help.

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heal and help reset myself through those darker times before my trauma where I music

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helped me spur and decide the next steps that I need to do with my life to obviously my

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trauma.

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But I was in the acute rehab facility for a few weeks and then that's where I again had to

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relearn how to proceed.

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then night was hard.

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Many times a day were hard.

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Just closing my eyes in that darkness was definitely a big struggle.

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One of the things I do now, I'm a mentor through the hospital system, so I volunteer with

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patients.

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you know, I was only in mentoring real briefly.

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I had to be taken out because there was a lot of pain and discomfort.

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But the person's story really inspired me.

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I just heard them for five minutes.

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you know, they had a brain aneurysm and now, you know, didn't know they were a math

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professor before and they didn't know how to understand.

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numbers anymore.

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And I was like, why am I so upset?

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Like, this is BS.

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Like, I just can't relax.

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I just can't calm down.

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I I'm being selfish.

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So that's not healthy, even if I'm being selfish for that.

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But it is, it is factually what I felt.

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So, but I realized that after that, I always wanted to, I wanted to make sure nobody felt

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alone.

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Nobody was able to go through anything like that without knowing they had an ally to it.

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So that's kind of how this whole idea of becoming an advocate was about.

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It was about through this horrible circumstance that I would never have wished for

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anything to now being partnered with someone going through this terrible journey by their

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side and with them.

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And it's led me to a lot of really, really awesome opportunities.

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I volunteer with a...

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a national group, technically international group, National uh Trauma Survivors Network.

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So they are, there's a local chapter in my trauma unit.

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They were not active when my trauma happened.

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So we didn't really have support, but it's nice because actually tomorrow I'm actually

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going, I'm talking about Wednesday, I'm going into the unit and we're speaking to other,

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you know, trauma survivors.

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And it's nice because

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Our injuries or traumas are all very different, but we all speak that similar language of

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that recovery, that fear, that unknown.

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And that's something that's very powerful that we have.

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So when I had the opportunity to help give back and help work with others, that's how,

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again, I kept pushing myself to become more more vulnerable through all that and allowing

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myself to have the strength to, you know, kind of

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to push through it.

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And yeah, I know that's a long winded and I can, you know, yeah.

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No, you're totally good.

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I love how much detail you're going into and I admire your advocacy work and going in and

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helping others.

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I think that's great that you've found this place in life where you can give back.

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What did I do have a question for you?

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Your brain injury, what did like your mental health look like before compared to after

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was?

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Did it get worse?

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Like, can you go into any details about that?

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Did it get worse?

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It didn't get easier.

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I promise you that.

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ah So it's interesting because I did say I did a speech, a keynote speech at a brain

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injury conference and one of the things I said is I don't know this but did certain things

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that a brain injury if you had a brain injury happen did it amplify certain things that

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might have already been going on in there.

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I've always been an over performer.

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I've always been a very fast paced person.

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Just it's naturally who I was.

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Um, you know, a, I'm a tornado and on a hurricane cause they can't see, they can see me

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coming, but I'm very fast.

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But you know, I think that I was already, I assumed I probably already was on, I had like

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ADHD before, but I was never diagnosed, but I was super high functioning.

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But after my brain injury, it was definitely.

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very diagnosed, very like this is something that's going on to help work out.

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I had to help have assistance going through it.

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I was always depressed.

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Before that I was depressed.

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I was anxious, but I think that afterwards it made it greater.

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They did a little, they do a little form and see if you have PTSD.

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And when I took it, was...

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much more on the highly clinical depression side than it was the PTSD side.

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But it's obviously a little bit of both.

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You know, they say anxiety is my is the hard one for me.

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I've learned a ton of analogies through this.

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you know, depression is being out in the tall grass and a lion charging at you.

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Anxiety is being in the tall grass and knowing there's a lion somewhere in front of you.

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And I was like, that's

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I'd rather be depressed at times than anxious, yeah.

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and that's spot on.

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I've never heard that analogy before.

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I suffer from depression and anxiety myself.

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And that's actually a really good way to put it for people that may not understand or who

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have never been through anything like that.

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How would you say your experience has shaped the way you see yourself today?

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Um, well, I, um

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I now feel like I have a purpose, I can be of service.

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I you mentioned it and I've learned a ton of quotes along the way, but help is a gift we

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freely give.

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So me being able to help others has definitely been very rewarding for myself.

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I do say, that's why I started that silly channel, gifts of perspective.

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my trauma gave me a gift of perspective.

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So I see things very differently.

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through everything.

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that's something that I'm very proud of that it's given me this platform to speak at and

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be it, you know, I mentioned music because I like talking about it and, you know, I

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reached out to one of the bands that helped get me through it and I wrote to them and told

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them about my story.

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They were interested and we kind of messaged back and forth and, you know, they

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I ended up having an interview with the lead, one of the vocalists and I talked to her

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about it and super kind, super cool, but just about how their music helped me through my

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trauma and it was a wonderful interview and it reached hundreds of people.

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mean, it doesn't matter how many, but it was cool because people from, they're a national,

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they're from Italy, but they're fans from Germany.

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And uh France or uh Australia reached out to me and thanked me for it.

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And so I've been able to have these cool connections through this, you know, from, you

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know, from this trauma, because I've been able to take this mantle on and try to make it

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my own.

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try to tell patients, survivors, just, you know, control the narrative.

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When you stand in front of it, nobody can take that from you.

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So when you stand in front of that story,

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You're the one that's the one, you know, doing it.

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And it's really important to know that, especially now with the ridiculous, how toxic,

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toxic the, um, you know, social media, media, blah, blah, blah.

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We know how toxic it all is, but being in front of it's important.

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And, you know, I do, I am grateful to be a survivor.

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I'm grateful to have handled all these difficult things and

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Another mentor once said, why not me?

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So now I took that on.

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Why not me?

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If anybody can do it, I know it's me.

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So I try to do what I can to help push myself to greater limits and greater opportunities

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to enhance myself and enhance others while I'm doing it.

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That's very cool.

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And I love how music's played such a big role in helping you overcome the struggles that

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you've been through.

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Because I'm the same way.

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I'm huge into like the metal scene and I mean I'll listen to just about everything but

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it's depending on my mood.

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But I think it's cool that it brought you and

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you're able to interview somebody out of it.

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What do you think has been the hardest part of your recovery journey?

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hardest part is trying to be kind to myself and forgive myself for it for happening for

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trying to be kind to myself is always going to be the hardest thing until I think I'm no

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longer able to it's just you know I it was it was it was an accident it was it was it was

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a random act nothing was it wasn't purposeful but

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It still feels like I feel like I have all that hurt that I caused everybody because of

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it.

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But I know that's, I mean, that's a BS way of thinking, but it doesn't mean it doesn't

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feel that way quite a bit.

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Yeah, I think we've all been down that road before.

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I always think it's really hard to show yourself a little bit of grace in those times.

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Like, and it's especially like, I can say, looking back at my life that there's times

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where I go, well, I need to forgive myself in order to move on.

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To even get past this struggle or challenge that I'm trying to overcome.

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Yeah, I tell that I said it to patients.

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I said, if you look to the person that laughs, you're looking to the right, you would

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never be mean to them.

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Why are you being mean to yourself?

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I said, doesn't mean I listen to my own advice, but.

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Yeah, I get what you're saying.

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When it comes to trauma or brain injuries, what is the biggest misconception that you find

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yourself correcting most often?

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That I guess there's a which which one do we want to go through so that

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Your life is over.

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That's not the case.

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The life as you might have thought, you might not be it's changed.

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It's not over.

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It's still there.

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I say, again, one of my many things I say is, your injury, your illness, your trauma

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didn't end in a period, just a comma.

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So you're a semicolon.

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It's just part of your story and you go on.

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Everything in life is about change.

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It's not easy sometimes.

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It can be great at times.

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But we gain so much out of these different difficulties we have.

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the life that we might have assumed we were having is different.

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But also 10 years ago, we never would have thought in general where we are now, where were

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10 years ago.

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So that is different from that.

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And I try to tell patients sometimes and remind myself that

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Today will never happen again.

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It's not possible.

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It'll never happen again.

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And I promise everybody the sun will rise tomorrow.

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Sometimes allowing yourself that little bit of grace just to say, you know, it's okay to

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have a bad day.

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It's okay.

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And to, you know, move on.

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And then the other thing that a brain injury taught me was, especially working with other

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patients and meeting them that

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just because you can't assume something is going on with someone.

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I know some people who they, it's hard to hear them or a little hard to maybe understand

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them.

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And some people have thought them about mentally, you know, incapacitated and they're not,

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they understand very well.

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It's just because of their head injury, they cannot, it's very hard for them to speak.

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It's just how our brain works.

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So,

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It has taught me how to communicate better with people because I can, make sure I look

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them in the eye and make sure I'm focusing on them and allows them for me to give them the

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grace that they need.

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it's allowed me to slow down and to take things in a little bit at a time to allow me to,

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you know, reciprocate it.

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So again, with a quote, Victor Frankel said the space between stimulus and response is

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where the power lies.

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sometimes allowing yourself to take those couple seconds, couple moments to, and then

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collect yourself and then relive is very powerful.

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It's something that we all have.

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And one of the things that.

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Only thing we can do is, only thing we can control is ourself.

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It's our response situation.

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Trying to control something else will never go well.

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You can just control our reactions.

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That's it.

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And it's just more we go through that, more we can recognize, you know, moving forward and

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understanding that.

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And one of the biggest lies I tell people is control.

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Because control is something that we kind of, yeah, that's a, a, that's a...

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Yeah, and I can't tell you how many times I've been told that therapy is I've always just

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want to control everything and My therapist is always like no you can only control what

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you can't control.

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That's what you need to work on the rest Like just push it away You can't do it all

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the world would be a lot better if you let me run it, but they don't let me.

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So all the days that it feels impossible to move forward, what keeps you going?

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What keeps me going?

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Well, um...

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this can-do attitude of being a persistent little POS and just wanting to keep going and

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Now I mean it Knowing that I love my dogs I love my wife and I'd love just taking them out

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for a walk and seeing nature sometimes I love like I Fortunately can see the stars really

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well.

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So a lot of times at night when I walk the dogs I love looking up at the sky and seeing

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them and

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I like feeling the power the world has, the universe has, and just knowing how small we

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are in it.

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And through that, I mean, I know that it is, we are such a speck of uh sand in the ever,

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you know, of this world, of this galaxy, of this time, but you know, the changes we can do

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can live a lot longer.

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trying to just make it a little bit better and just trying to do the next, I always, I say

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to myself and say to others, I always try to do the next right thing.

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Whatever it is, just try to do that next right thing and we'll see what happens.

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I love it.

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It's really cool.

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Another question here.

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How do you balance the pressure of being an advocate with your own healing?

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Well, like to feel, I to feel, I feel that the more I help others, the stronger, that is

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me healing.

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A good musician friend of mine tells me I need to slow down and recharge so I can help

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more people.

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And I don't, I'm like that stupid bunny that beats on a drum all day.

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can last forever.

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But helping others is how I am able to reflect on why I've made it, why I've done so well

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is to help bring it forward and help doing a little bit better.

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So that is how I.

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I've become an advocate for that.

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I've also had to realize sometimes that I can't, I can't help everyone.

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And that's hard.

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And I really wish I could, but what I can do is I can try to allow others to see

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themselves for where they are allowed me to see that I am be willing there to be with

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them, to walk with them.

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And one thing that some people will

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talk bad about being empathetic, but that's just, it's a great thing to have.

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It actually shows the strength of character you have to be empathetic with someone, be

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willing to take on and walk with them.

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You're not taking anything from them, you're walking with them.

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So there is no superiority, there is no inferiority, it's just with them.

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And that's something that I try to let patients know that one thing that we have as

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survivors is we...

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be empathetic to others that have been through struggles because now they know that we're

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a safe place for them and they can be safe too because one thing I will promise everybody

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that there's someone's out everybody's going out there going through something might not

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seem something it might be small to them but you know it could be huge to someone else and

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you know it's funny we talked to another trauma survivor and

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They would look at us like, my gosh, I can't believe that happened to you.

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Like, you know, I can't believe that.

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And, you know, that can never, I could never made it through that.

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But see, if I hear them say that, I would say the same thing.

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And the reason why we say that is because this was the worst day that I ever had.

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And I know for a fact that I survived it.

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So I can imagine going through that and that other person could imagine going through what

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I went through, but they survived there.

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So they.

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Themselves understand I made it through I can never I can't handle that so trying to again

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have that perspective of seeing things a little differently and and trying to take note of

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where you are is is powerful, I mean it is It is good and it's something it's being kind

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to remind ourselves how far we've come and the people we've also brought along in this

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journey and how important they are to

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our lives and our healing.

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It's pretty awesome.

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Yeah, I absolutely love how you've basically found your life's calling by having this

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dramatic brain injury and you're helping all these people.

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I just, I love it.

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Like, and it's, and it's crazy.

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Like when you find that thing that you're passionate about, how it just pushes you through

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every day, no matter how hard that day gets, like.

26:28

You're like, I've got this, I can do this now and I know that I can.

26:33

I would say like, eh, there's worse crap in the world.

26:36

It's, you know, try to, you know, deflect it and, you know, it's something I learned in

26:36

speech therapy.

26:43

called stop and deflect.

26:44

So if sometimes someone's telling you something you don't want to hear, just, you know,

26:44

when you say like, stop, I don't want to hear it.

26:50

No, you know, try to reframe it.

26:53

You know, I'm so sorry that's happening.

26:55

Can you believe the crazy weather we're having?

26:57

You've acknowledged it.

26:58

Now you're just, you know, separating it from another, you another topic.

27:03

I have friends and you know, like I was talking to a friend today from in Latin America

27:03

about and she's, you know, just super kind and just telling me all the time how important

27:15

I am and how much I've helped them.

27:17

And I'm like, what do you mean?

27:18

I don't never met you, but understand that we go through life and these little grains of

27:18

sand, we drop it on a little all this thing.

27:28

helps build.

27:29

It builds up something.

27:31

And again, just like me.

27:33

speaking about that mentor earlier who had the brain aneurysm, their conversation was, you

27:33

know, they probably had it a dozen times, but me hearing it that one time helped change my

27:45

trajectory.

27:46

And that's one thing I'm very fortunate for because I feel that I'm very good at

27:46

explaining my situation.

27:55

I'm making it very approachable.

27:58

It's not just, oh, you can only have this if you had a brain injury.

28:01

No, I mine was a brain injury, but also my mental health struggles are something that we

28:01

are all allowed and do have.

28:09

It's not just because I had a TBI that I have this, absolutely not.

28:13

I am willing to speak about it because I want others to know that what is it?

28:18

It's okay to not be okay.

28:20

mean, especially right now in this country, everything's always, it's mental health

28:20

problems like.

28:27

There is obviously mental health problems, but there's also no solutions on how to resolve

28:27

it.

28:34

And I mean, what you're doing here is helpful because it helps people know to hear that it

28:34

out there that there's something in and I'm trying to find more ways to help out around in

28:47

our local area.

28:47

I mean, I'm trying to talk to my state congressional person to go to Richmond and maybe

28:47

talk to them about, you know, here are some of the issues that we have trying to get.

28:57

healthcare and finding therapy with it.

29:01

And it's just these little things that I've been willing to take on because I want to

29:01

challenge myself maybe.

29:07

And someone said, I'm not afraid.

29:10

I fail first.

29:11

So I'm willing to do anything.

29:12

Cause I always say, I'm probably going to fail any of them.

29:15

Might as well try.

29:16

I just, I just, I just move forward like the Kool-Aid man.

29:20

I like that like the Kool-Aid man.

29:22

I need to have more of your attitude of failing first.

29:26

I said I need to have more of your attitude of failing first.

29:30

So I actually try more things out.

29:33

I feel like I'm sometimes too afraid to fail.

29:37

It's, you know, it's perfectly natural and that's how we are, that's how we are people.

29:42

We were, that's how we got out of the caves.

29:44

I we had to be afraid of what was out there, you know?

29:47

It's like we, I am...

29:51

I didn't have any self-confidence before my trauma.

29:56

I'm still now probably.

29:57

I I just, I, I fake it till I make it.

30:00

I don't think I had it, but I just, I just went through it.

30:05

you know, I just, I always say I'm this dumb kid, you know, I never went to a special,

30:05

never went to college, this and that.

30:11

So I was just this dumb kid.

30:12

I've been, but I know that's not true.

30:15

But again, I'm not.

30:18

afraid to put myself in those uncomfortable situations and I know that I've been through

30:18

some some pretty hard stuff, but I Know that others have been through so much that I

30:30

couldn't even imagine going through that I just have so much empathy and and compassion

30:30

for and that's that's what helps make me strong is being able to Express that fear express

30:43

that vulnerabilities express that you know

30:47

where it is and you know fear is as you can see in my video I'm a big nerd I have a lot of

30:47

comic book crap and everything else and you know I learned from the Green Lantern that you

30:59

know one willpower can stop fear and you know will fear cannot survive and will is out

30:59

there so so I go through everything you know face first if you will but trying not to to

31:13

fear it because it's only can control us

31:18

Yeah, yeah, I totally agree.

31:19

And that's one thing I'm trying to do is stop being so fearful of the ideas that I have so

31:19

I can just push myself out there further.

31:26

Because you kind of mentioned it too, like when you share your story, it's amazing how

31:26

like if you just get that one person to come forward and say, you know what, you helped

31:37

change me or and you've also said that everybody has a story.

31:44

Whether you're to tell it or not, everybody has something they're going through.

31:49

want, I, I'm thinking a little bit back to your brain injury and you may have mentioned

31:49

this a little bit.

31:55

Was there anything that you had to like fully relearn or like you came out of your brain

31:55

injury, just like totally forgetting?

32:02

you like, cause I know you've mentioned that every brain injury is different.

32:09

Did you have to like relearn how to talk or anything like that or.

32:14

Depends on who you ask, maybe talking.

32:17

never lost the ability to talk.

32:19

Probably would have been good now and then.

32:23

I had to...

32:27

You know, it's, know how well I recovered.

32:30

I don't take it for granted.

32:32

Um, but I know that I had to try to slow down.

32:37

had to try to collect my thoughts.

32:39

had to re see where I am.

32:43

I had to pace myself.

32:46

I had to relearn how to walk and you know, move.

32:49

mean, I still don't have full feeling in my left side.

32:51

It's just, it kind of is what it is.

32:53

And now I had to relearn how to use my eyes and

32:56

control them together.

32:58

all these little things, was anything not have 100 %?

33:02

No, it was a lot of it was very negligent or not working well.

33:07

So I had to re adapt all that.

33:10

You know, fortunately, again, I have healed really well.

33:14

And sometimes if I do too much, or if I'm getting tired, I will like, I'll drop things on

33:14

my left side or I try to pick up cups with my left hand because

33:25

I don't necessarily know where it is in space and I'll drop it hard or I'll bump things or

33:25

if I'm really exhausted my eyes will start to drift.

33:32

I'll start seeing two of everything.

33:35

So that is where I need to, okay I need to remember slow down, take a couple breaths, just

33:35

try to look at your fingers again, try to get your eyes to work again.

33:45

So it's those little stuff that I've had to do.

33:48

I never had to relearn how to do everything completely but it's those

33:55

A lot of it at once was not easy.

33:57

Oh, I can, yeah, I can only imagine that I would be...

34:02

just don't...

34:05

I'm trying to think of the words.

34:06

I don't have the words to say because I can't imagine going through anything like that.

34:10

I mean, I've experienced stuff myself with like different things, but nothing compared to

34:10

that.

34:17

Harrison is the thief of joy.

34:19

There's no reason to Yeah, and it did yeah, the important thing is that I tell people You

34:19

know The only thing you need to know is when you need help there is thousands of people

34:31

out there that you will never know that will help you and that's something that is great

34:31

and you know if I Wouldn't take my injury from way from me.

34:43

I wouldn't take it away.

34:44

I would take away the fear

34:46

the pain my family saw in me or not knowing but I wouldn't do that because I have some my

34:46

hospital therapists were at my proposal and they were at my wedding as well.

34:57

I do not want those people out of outside of my life.

35:00

The the opportunities I've had from it are something that are just beyond you know belief

35:00

so I'm very fortunate that I've had I mean hell like I said I'm brave enough to talk to a

35:13

international band in Italy and their fans and their friends and I mean how cool was that

35:13

because I was willing to take that chance and say hey this didn't define me define me this

35:26

injury didn't define me I'm the one that did myself I just used this a platform to break

35:26

through to just get in this is where it did now people will listen my gosh I can't believe

35:38

that happened to you yes now they'll understand where I'm coming from

35:43

So it allows me to have, as said, my nerd street cred's pretty high, but my life cred's

35:43

pretty high too with that.

35:51

I like that you're street cred.

35:54

That's really cool.

35:55

That's I think it's cool like how many opportunities it has brought you.

35:58

Because it's like you you never know when you're where you're going to end up at the end

35:58

of one of life's challenge challenges.

36:07

Because it's like they're never ending.

36:09

Right.

36:10

It's how has your perspective changed?

36:13

on life since the accident.

36:17

Um, how has it changed, um, on life?

36:21

So I, um, I don't.

36:28

If something would have happened to me and I didn't make it, know that people wouldn't

36:28

know how I felt about them because I was always very open and honest with people.

36:38

So I'm very grateful that happened.

36:40

Before that I was.

36:41

But now I will always make sure I will tell someone thank you or say be kind to someone

36:41

because we don't know what it will change in their day.

36:51

You could have a really crappy day but

36:54

And you can be with people all day, just be in complete, you know, pricks to you.

36:58

But also someone would be nice and it can change the entire way of looking at it.

37:02

There was a book my therapist talked to me about about a person who was going to commit

37:02

suicide and jump off a bridge.

37:10

And they said that when they were walking across the bridge, they said, if someone looks

37:10

at me and smiles, I won't do it.

37:16

Like, I we did.

37:17

So they got there and said, all right, and jump.

37:19

But in the last seconds, they can't do this.

37:21

And they, uh

37:22

They thought it was gonna get in and they busted a bunch of bones, but they survived.

37:28

And I think about that story all the time and that's why I always just try to smile at

37:28

someone or just try to give them, the door, say thank you and whatever.

37:36

mean, I'm a big dude.

37:37

I have a lot of tattoos and wear like crazy metal shirts, stuff like that, but I will

37:37

still hold the door to people.

37:43

I will help them out because it's just, it's the right thing to do.

37:47

It's a nice thing to do and it.

37:49

doesn't take any extra effort for me to be kind to someone or to just hope someone has a

37:49

wish someone a good day.

37:56

That's it and just keep on walking but

38:01

Yeah, and I think that's really cool and I think that's important because I think I

38:01

generally believe that society is or people generally are nice.

38:11

But I also think that there's that side of it where it's like, I don't feel like.

38:19

I'm trying to think how to say this.

38:21

I don't feel like society were always taught to be nice to people.

38:24

We're not always taught to be kind.

38:27

Like I remember growing up, I feel like walking around the neighborhood, it may have been

38:27

growing up in a smaller town, but like I feel like people growing up were generally nicer

38:39

in general than they are today.

38:43

I think that's probably not I don't have kids and I will never have them so to more power

38:43

to everybody but I think that that is true.

38:49

think that I mean I know that I've always tried to be kind I've always tried to really

38:49

take that effort to do it and I'm very fortunate that I was around I had the opportunities

39:00

to do so and I think that we talked briefly earlier about the idea of the horrific

39:00

internet and social media and everything else.

39:09

I that's

39:10

People can handle hear negative a lot.

39:14

It reverberates a lot.

39:16

you know, so I that's why I try to go out of my way to just be nice for time because it

39:16

helps bury that out.

39:22

Like I would I would say if I don't give negative breath, it doesn't live.

39:27

So if I don't need to speak about it, it doesn't need to empower me because the more you

39:27

talk about it, the more that darkness just, you know, kind of erodes at you and just

39:36

overwhelms you.

39:37

So if I just, you know, let it go.

39:41

as some evidently Disney song, let it go.

39:44

It won't have that as much of power over us as it really needs to feel like it does.

39:51

Yeah, it's, you definitely cannot feed that negativity.

39:58

And it's, I think just our, about a screen time in general as human beings right now is

39:58

just horrible.

40:04

It makes it way worse.

40:07

Definitely not easy.

40:10

I'm like good.

40:12

I I'm only, I try to stay as much social media as I can.

40:15

It's definitely helped.

40:16

It's good for all of us and I try, my therapist is the same thing.

40:20

Don't look at the news, do anything else.

40:22

I'm not ignorant but I also, I can only sometimes take, I watch puppy videos or I watch

40:22

music videos.

40:28

I don't want to watch much of other crap.

40:32

Yeah, yeah, it's, it's, there's definitely, especially nowadays, a lot going on.

40:38

And it's like, I don't think our bodies were meant to handle all the negative that we do

40:38

see.

40:46

So looking ahead, what impact do you hope your advocacy and storytelling will have on

40:46

others?

40:54

I hope that hope is a free medicine another one of my sayings, but I hope that it allow

40:54

others to feel they have that strength that might be inside of them that I believe that we

41:06

each have I feel that my advocacy my willingness to speak about the uncomfortable does

41:06

help show others That they are not alone in this

41:17

And again, I'm not taking anything from anybody else saying they want to help someone and

41:17

not wanting to, but I will always be the one that I will promise.

41:28

If I say something, I will honestly do it.

41:31

I tell people like, I have to look at myself in the mirror at night and I have to expect

41:31

and respect who I see.

41:38

So I try to make sure that I want to be the person I'm expected to be.

41:44

So that's why I...

41:45

I work as hard as I do to be an advocate so others know that they are not alone.

41:51

And I can say at the end of the day, if I didn't make it through it, at least I did my

41:51

best until this day.

41:57

I'm happy to say that.

42:00

Just a couple last questions here.

42:02

What are some victories, or small, that you are most proud of?

42:09

Victories big or small well I am I guess they all I Guess it's feels see this is another

42:09

feel bad am I bragging like so I was not I could never imagined going to US Congress and

42:26

speaking to Represent the staffers about the importance of trauma and the system.

42:31

I could never imagine doing that

42:33

never imagined speaking to students about trauma and where it did.

42:42

You know, again, musicians about, you know, how important their music was through my

42:42

recovery.

42:49

And just, you know, as simple as just thanking, thanking someone who I was able to help

42:49

out at the hospital has definitely been, you know, I guess

43:03

You know things are like fly my Mind all you know super fat, so I never growing up.

43:08

I never liked I Never really I never liked Thanksgiving.

43:11

I always felt it was so Toxic it was so much family drama.

43:16

It was just so much crap and I didn't like it so I just I didn't want to do it.

43:21

I know I celebrated but after my trauma I I Celebrated now I do it differently I go to the

43:21

hospital

43:31

And I give out food and snacks and stuff to the workers there, the nurses, the staff,

43:31

because they are there.

43:40

And I want to say thank you to them.

43:42

So that is something that it seems small doing it, but I don't know how much that made me

43:42

feel, how good it made me feel, and how important it became part of.

43:56

identity for myself that I so needed it when I when I did.

44:01

That's really cool that you do that.

44:04

And I bet you mean more to people, like doing that than you really think that you do.

44:16

I think the small things in life that we do sometimes mean the most.

44:25

Yeah, after we were driving around here and my wife and we were driving in the night and

44:25

after our wedding, we got all these beautiful flowers and I was like, what the hell are

44:36

you gonna do with them?

44:37

Tons of flowers.

44:38

So we went to a memory care home after our wedding.

44:45

We brought all the flowers to them.

44:47

What a wonderful thing to gift, because we're not gonna keep them anyhow.

44:52

So we also brought some to the hospital and stuff.

44:55

I did that too, but it was nice that we can make sure they had a second life for it.

45:00

So again, that was a simple thing, but it was exact kindness that we could do that did

45:00

make me feel very humble to do.

45:11

That's really cool.

45:12

So this is a general question that I ask everybody who comes on the show.

45:18

What do you believe is the biggest stigma when it comes to mental health?

45:27

Biggest stigma well Asking for help is probably the biggest one and Not This is a stigma

45:27

or just not known not understanding that You we one you can't say you We are we all need

45:43

to work on something so that mental health is about

45:47

others fixing others around you and that's not the case.

45:50

I heard something once if you ran into a butthole one day, someone being a jerk you ran

45:50

into him he's a one person day that's awful but if you ran into a jerk all day maybe

46:06

you're the jerk.

46:07

So trying to understand that so allowing yourself to allow

46:14

yourself to make mistakes and allow yourself to learn from them and be vulnerable for it

46:14

and ask yourself those tough questions because Nobody has their own answers and the other

46:26

stigma would be you are Nobody's gonna be fixing right like that.

46:32

It doesn't work like that.

46:34

And that's one of the things too that I've learned about like in Virginia, I believe in

46:34

other states, but when you first time you get a therapy

46:43

The basic therapist has to, when you have to tell your insurance, they think you're going

46:43

to be fixed and cured in a year.

46:51

It's not going to happen.

46:52

It's not that it works.

46:54

But we have this horrible system that does this.

46:57

So, but people are forgetting that it's a work in progress.

47:02

You are a work in progress.

47:03

We are a work in progress.

47:05

Keep tuning yourself up and keep trying to do it.

47:09

And, you know,

47:11

It's not just lip service saying it's okay to not be okay.

47:15

It's truly okay to not be okay.

47:19

It's a real thing.

47:21

It's real thing that it's okay to struggle that there are people out there that will help

47:21

you and it's okay to ask for help.

47:31

guess for sure.

47:32

I just want to emphasize on the fixing thing coming from mental health.

47:37

I don't think you're ever fixed.

47:38

think it's the whole thing to me is like learning to live with like the stuff like

47:38

learning to like you know when you're feeling that bit of anxiety coming on what are you

47:47

gonna do in that moment to push that anxiety aside and know that it's just noise in your

47:47

head.

47:58

Where can people find you?

48:01

Well, I need to have a little better internet presence, I guess, but I have a simple a

48:01

simple link tree link tree and gifts of gift of perspective I created a gmail address g

48:15

gifts of perspective at gmail.com I did different YouTube talks and Trying to do what I

48:15

can to help others.

48:23

So that is the very you know small

48:28

internet corner that I have.

48:31

also do a lot of work with traumasurvivorsnetwork.org and that is for people that have

48:31

been through actual oh trauma units or have faced with trauma that way, there is help out

48:45

there.

48:45

So I try to do what I can to help bring people awareness for there's more out there

48:45

because trauma is

48:54

Mental health and trauma are very different and a lot of times those paths cross.

48:59

But trauma is the number one killer of people from 18 to 45.

49:04

That's the number one cause of death.

49:06

So it's not easy and traumatic brain injuries are, male traumatic brain injuries survivors

49:06

are twice as likely to commit suicide than a regular male.

49:18

So that is where

49:20

all these things that mental health is such a key thing and speaking about it.

49:25

And if you want to find me, I'll save space, talk, try to find, help network, ask

49:25

questions, and always talk to your doctors, always talk to therapists, and always don't be

49:38

afraid to allow yourself to be vulnerable.

49:41

And listening to me now, obviously I want to be vulnerable too.

49:45

And we've discussed quite a few things here tonight.

49:49

Is there anything that you'd like to bring up that we did not discuss?

49:55

I don't think so.

49:59

guess actually the only thing that, so I'm talking to with trauma survivors and with

49:59

again, my different advocacy and one of the things I'm learning about is how much

50:14

community helps us with our recoveries of any sort.

50:19

And I never realized how strong it was.

50:22

And I do, have a,

50:24

three major communities essentially.

50:26

I have my friends that I met through music, that all these, go to concerts and shows and

50:26

talk to them.

50:35

I have this awesome music community.

50:38

I have my volunteering community, as speaking out to people like yourself, people at the

50:38

hospital.

50:45

So I have this awesome community that I've grown and I'm a big tabletop gamer and I have

50:45

this huge community of them where I've met.

50:52

people from literally around the globe to play and it's really neat to be able to be safe

50:52

and find people that reflect certain things about you.

51:02

And I've said to people that some people in our lives will, there'll be reflections of

51:02

some of the best parts of us and that's good.

51:10

So finding that community and being okay to be able to be with that community is a good

51:10

thing.

51:16

It's safe for everybody.

51:20

I actually love that you just brought that up because I think community is huge and I

51:20

think recovering from most things in life, it's a big part.

51:30

You always need those people in your corner.

51:35

And I thank you so much for coming on and chatting with me.

51:39

I admire what you're doing.

51:40

I've I love that you've found this purpose in life and are going through speaking to

51:40

people and helping people know that they're not alone.

51:49

I think it's important.

51:52

So thank you for taking the time.

51:54

Thank you.

51:55

Thanks for having me.

51:56

yeah not it's my pleasure stories like yours are the reason why i keep doing this and

51:56

thank you to all the listeners out there if you felt anything from this episode please

52:07

share it on social media and follow us and review one of our episodes that'd be great and

52:07

thanks again for listening until next time